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Friday, March 21, 2008

Free Credit Report dot com SAVES

Free Credit Report dot com is basically your savior. No, really. You will learn so much from their ads, which will save you from three hugely bad situations.

There are three commercials--one with a sobering story of working at a pirate-themed seafood restaurant, one with a sad saga of marriage gone wrong, and one with a tale of car-buying woe. I think the car one is really getting its swerve on at the moment, that's the one I see the most nowadays, tho I hear the restaurant one on the radio a fair bit. I think the marriage one was just too real, you hardly ever see that one and I ain't never heared it on the radio.

So here's what I've learned from each one:


Pirate Seafood

  • You will end up in a job you don't like if you're unaware of your credit score.
  • You will have to wear clothes you don't like at the job you don't like if you're unaware of your credit score. Those clothes will be quite unlike the clothes you would dress in for the job you actually want.
  • A hacker can cause you to serve chowder and iced tea wearing clothes you don't like at the job you don't like if you're unaware of your credit score. (Yummy, but sad. Have you seen the faces of people working at Red Lobster? One time, back when they still did Crabby Mondays or whatever it was called when they did all-you-can-eat crab legs, as I was going to the bathroom to barf so I could cram more crab down my throat, one of the servers begged me to kill him because he hated serving seafood so much, as any sane person would. So I suffocated him with crab legs barf and topped him off with some Cheddar Bay Biscuits to make sure his airway stayed blocked. Then I ate 20 more pounds of crab legs. I got a trophy.)
  • Hackers can steal your identity, which involves both your credit score and also I think they must take your resume, too, and then they get the high-powered job you were supposed to get and you get the shitty seafood restaurant job they were supposed to get. Goddamn, hackers is good. They steal your fly threads, too, the ones you would have worn but for the chowder-stained pirate costume.
  • To sum it up, Free Credit Report dot com can save you from a bad job


Car Woe


  • Free is spelled "F-R-E-E."
  • You can be so unaware of your credit and ability to pay for a car that you can believe you belong in a convertible, SUV or stretch Hummer on your pirate seafood restaurant salary plus tips when in reality, all you can afford is a subcompact POS.*
  • Knowing your credit score can magically prevent you from getting a POS car. This one's more implied than stated but I can kind of read the lead singer's mind and that's what he's thinking.
  • To sum it up, Free Credit Report dot com can save you from a bad car and will also teach you a fun mnemonic so you never forget how to spell "Free."

Marriage Gone Wrong

  • You should thoroughly investigate your "dream girl." Chances are her credit is shit and if so, it will impair your ability to get a house.
  • Bitches default on credit cards and that is all it takes to ruin you both forever, resulting in your living in her parents' basement.
  • Many women, particularly "dream girls," are bad with money, and since that's all that matters, you're better off being a bachelor, and then you can suddenly afford a house with a yard and a dog. Because you couldn't just get a house with only your credit unless you were single. Yeah, sure, you can't even get a car loan, but a house loan, no prob. Plenty of closet space for your pirate outfit and that stupid bitch can wash it for you. The dog, not the dream girl, you're kicking that whore to the curb.
  • To sum it up, Free Credit Report dot com can save you from a bad marriage.

I dunno about you, but I can't wait for Free Credit Report dot com's future lessons. I mean, I don't know what else important is actually left, but I bet they do. Like, knowing your credit score couldn't have anything to do with avoiding AIDS or saving the environment...or could it? We'll just have to wait to find out.



*My Dad sells cars and actually, this one is supertrue. People are idiots.

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