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Friday, December 24, 2010

Christmas is the Best

It just is. Christmas is everything a holiday should be. Food and presents. Drinking. Parties and treats, even at work. Vacation. Bitchin'-ass TV specials. Special home decorations, inside and out. Its own cookies. Its own sweaters. Its own trees. When you got your own sweaters and trees, you done hit the big time.

People who say they don't like Christmas are usually lying. They like it fine, maybe even too much. They know deep down inside they don't deserve anything as awesome as Christmas.

Well, whatever, you say. I like Halloween. You would. Halloween is the ugly dude you had to talk to while your beautiful older sister made out with his smokin' hot cousin. Halloween is at least partly about dressing up as someone or something else. It's the holiday for people who don't like themselves very much. What's that, now? Chicks get all tarted up and drink themselves stupid on Halloween? Perhaps, but those of us with jobs and/or friends know that that shit also happens at places called nightclubs and bars, several times a week. What about free candy? Well, if you need your candy fun-sized and free, you're a child, and it's OK you're stupid.

Thanksgiving, though. What about Thanksgiving? Football, parades, turkey and pie? What are you even doing here? How can you read this? Are you using a speech-to-text app? I'll give you that the extra day off is amaze, but will quickly remind you that people use that day to prepare for Christmas, so basically Thanksgiving is the spring training of Christmas season, that shit is there to get your ass in shape for when it really counts.

I would be surprised if Easter was even anyone's third-favorite holiday. Even the very Catholic are like, yeah, holiest of all days, but as a holiday in the awesome sense, that shit is whack.These colored eggs, the molesto in the bunny suit--thank you, but no. Also, fuck a Peeps. Those things are reason enough to hate any season.

The other holidays...come on. Fourth of July? The cake that looks like a flag with all the fruit on it is pretty sweet but yeah, not enough. St. Patrick's Day? Cast the snakes out of my ass. Them other ones? Are there other ones?

What was I talking about? I dunno. I'm too full of the Christmas spirit to remember. The Christmas spirit = sparkling wine and macaroni and cheese.

Happy Birthday, Baby Jesus! God bless us, every one!

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