Student Is Saved from Subway Fall Only to Live to See Crappy Movies

My New Year's resolution is to save your life. In just the first week of 2007, the standout news headlines have all been about good Samaritans saving random New Yorkers, and I've been inspired.

Mind the gap. And don't forget about the oncoming train, either.

First, there was the Manhattan subway hero who saved a student who seizured his way onto the train tracks. Today, two more average Joes became heroes when they caught a baby who fell out a window of a Bronx apartment. Less jaded people might think that this rash of heroism proves that people are naturally good. I say it merely proves that people are naturally clumsy.

So back to my New Year's resolution of saving lives. It turns out that I save lives every day since I continually refrain from throttling random strangers for the stupid things they do -- like the producers of the upcoming film, Primeval, which opens next week.

The new horror movie touts that Primeval is about the world's "most prolific serial killer," comparing its villain "Gustave" to Jack the Ripper and the Zodiac Killer. The kicker is that the movie trailers and ads fail to reveal that Gustave is really a crocodile.

Now, I'm no profiler, but I don't think wild animals qualify as serial killers and I'm pretty sure that whirring noise you're hearing is Steve Irwin rolling in his grave.


By Primeval's broad definition of serial killer, the tagline "Inspired by the true story of the most prolific serial killer in history" should also apply to fatty films like Supersize Me and Fast Food Nation and cancer cinema like Thank You for Smoking and Dying Young.

Beware of serial killers who moonlight as polo shirt logos

Chalk it up to stupid marketing. While the thought of seeing Orlando Jones getting chomped by a croc is appealing, most people wouldn't want to see a movie about a future luggage set/pair of pimp shoes that's killed over 300 people. So now you've been warned about the Primeval. Consider your life saved.