Comic-Day 1: Thursday and the Half-Blood Prince

Welcome to my Thursday coverage of Comic-Con, that nerdgasmic time of year in San Diego when thousands of people will go crazy if you shout out "Excelsior," "May the force be with you," "Team Edward," "Team Jacob," "Live long and prosper," "Free Corn Nuts" or "Look! Boobs!" I'll try to post photos and tweets from the show each day. And if you want to be annoyed by me in real time, follow me on Twitter right now!

Marvel Superhero Squad statues of Iron Man and Dr. Doom.

Upcoming Marvel characters to be added to the Superhero Squad series of toys.

10:19am @pantsarama: Is that Doritos, farts and Mountain Dew I smell? Then I must be at Comic-Con! I'll tweet updates until I find myself a slave Leia.


10:27am @pantsarama: San Diego Trading Co on 5th is giving away free GI Joe hats to press. Ugliest hats ever. Now you know, & knowing is half the battle.


10:35am @pantsarama: It seems the she-nerds at Comic-Con aren't used to my pheromones & are attracted to it. It's called "deodorant."


10:45am @pantsarama: Star Trek cologne. Smells kinda woodsy with a hint of mom's basement.

11:18am @pantsarama: If you wear a bikini to Comic-Con, guys will photograph you. As a red-blooded male, I guess I was asking for it by dressing that way

Cute version of Sora from Kingdom Hearts.


Batgirl as one of DC's Blammoids

He-Man prototype toys from Mattel.

Darth Vader's pimp helmet

3:22pm @pantsarama: I overheard someone talking about the "Dr. Parnassus" panel at Comic-Con debating whether Heath Ledger will show up. I really hope not

3:27pm @pantsarama: I saw David Faustino at the Sony booth. No, he didn't have a broom. He was signing autographs.

Coraline stop-motion figures from the movie.


Characters from the upcoming movie, 9

Toffee dolls from Huckleberry Toys.

3:30pm @pantsarama: Tyrese Gibson has a comic book and is signing them. I don't even need to make up a joke.

3:34pm @pantsarama: I'm in the looooong line for the Chowder and Flapjack panel. They're Cartoon Network shows not food, but now I'm hungry.

Slasher characters done up in the new style of Mez-Itz from Mezco.

Bioshock.


Silver paint Tokidoki show exclusives

6:11pm @pantsarama: Ziggy & Family Circus are criminally underrepresented at Comic-Con. In honor of Ziggy, I'll be attending tomorrow without pants.

Star Wars Chubby Series 2, due out in November '09, will include Princess Leia, Ewok and bounty hunter nesting dolls.


Beverly Hills Cop Minimates. Finally, a Minimate with a tiny mustache and a big banana.

Iron Man movie props

Brian Cox and Lauren Lee Smith from Trick 'R Treat, due out on DVD and Blu-ray this October. Anna Paquin was a no-show since it was her birthday, but the director called her voice mail during the panel and had the audience sing to her. Harry Knowles moderated the panel. At first, I thought it was a dude in a Jabba the Hutt costume.

12:00am @pantsarama: Saw Comic-Con screening of "Trick 'R Treat," a horror anthology w/ Anna Paquin. Not bad.Scariest part was Harry Knowles moderating the panel

DC figures with disturbingly realistic looking faces. Kneecaps, not so realistic.


Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow movie costumes from the upcoming debacle, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, the Lowering of America's Standards


Seth Rogen's Black Beauty car from the upcoming Green Hornet


New Transformers Mighty Muggs: Optimus Prime with flame detail and Shockwave

Your Idiot Coworker

Everyone has an idiot coworker, so we've created a new Twitter account based on the office jackass. Please follow him because he knows where your stapler is.

http://twitter.com/idiotcoworker

Your Idiot Coworker is too busy tweeting and
expensing yesterday's strip club buffet
to attend your meeting.

The Grim Reaper of Infomercials Wears a Snuggie

R.I.P.

Billy Mays
TV Pitchman
July 20, 1958 - June 28, 2009

Bad

R.I.P.
Michael Jackson
Musician, Actor, King of Pop
August 29, 1958 - June 25, 2009Thriller!

Jason and Jenni, so timely, so filled with class.

Jason: we blew it not going to the michael jackson auction
Jenni: um, ok. i still feel good about not going. being mocked on tour sad-ass blog would probably have driven him to a slightly earlier grave.
Jason: maybe they can actually auction off his stuff now
Jenni: they might have to, no?
Jenni: wuzzent he broke-ass-broke and that's why he was doing those concerts in london next month?
Jenni: which they'll have to refund the money for, i'd say
Jason: but his nose will live on
Jason: who will now succeed the throne of pop?
Jenni: I believe a cage-match style throwdown will decide
Jenni: that's how michael got the throne, and also why prince walks with a limp
Jason: oh, shum on
Jason: all hail justin timberlake, new king of pop
Jenni: yeah he's in shape and shit
Jenni: are people in your office also playing michael jackson music
Jenni: because yay
Jason: no, i still have the charlie's angels theme on repeat
Jenni: classy
Jason: he's touched so many of us. when we were children. gentle, loving caresses.
Jason: so you seeing all these rumors about jeff goldblum being dead, too?
Jenni: saw someone mention it
Jenni:also hearing and seeing that comes in threes thing which totally bugs me
Jason: yeah, when do you start and stop counting?
Jason: cuz david carradine was kinda out there on his own
Jenni: but people say it like it's this fact
Jenni: right
Jenni: i hate it
Jason: it's hazardous out there right now if you're a celebrity. now's not a good time to be fiddling around with auto-erotic asphyxiation
Jenni: and i really hate it when people are like "did you ever notice..." like they thought of it
Jenni: which is like, at least triple stupid
Jason: he's up there now with jesus and his juice
Jenni:Dirty Diana? Really? You are not honoring anyone's legacy if you play a piece of shit song like that.
Jenni: Jesus co-workers, get some sense. i just told my co-worker i was going to go "king of pop a cap in their asses" for playing Michael Jackson music so loudly during work
Jenni: not one thing from Off the Wall, either
Jason: at least Extra and The Insider won't hafta keep milking this ed mcmahon stuff
Jenni: yeah tho I am sort of excited to see what Webster and Macaulay Culkin have to say about it. and just random celebs who happened to be out and about. i love when they don't know and the tv shows ambush them
Jason: i just turned on the news
Jason: sheesh
Jason:it's like 9/11
Jason: poor farrah

R.I.P. Farrah Fawcett

Farrah Fawcett

Actress, Poster Babe
February 2, 1947 - June 25, 2009

Internet

I was like, where can I get some fucking internet around this bitch?


And then BOOM motherfucker. Three licks later, I found the Tootsie Roll center of the internet. If there was one of those poles standing there with the white arrow-type signs with city names and shit pointing in different directions like in MASH or whatever, the one that said "Internet" would be pointing straight down to this point.

The Death-Defying Adventures of Danger Baby

Introducing Danger Baby, infant about town, toddler of action. He's like the Newbourne Identity. If there's an accident waiting to happen, this baby is likely nearby and there's likely an additional accident waiting to happen in his diaper, too.

There are certain places where a baby should never be, like at the top of a long flight of stairs, a sketchy alley or inside my recent date's womb, but Danger Baby likes to live on the edge. This baby's middle name is Danger, except it's really his first name since his name is "Danger Baby," but still. Anyway, enough talk. Let's get to the action that is the first installment of Danger Baby.

Take Off*

I like Canada's new advertising campaign to get the Americans they disdain to come drag their fat asses up to the Great White North and spend some of their filthy, greasy American money there.

It seems like they're using the tactic of "Stop Being a Pussy and Visit Us, Eh?" which might work on Americans, you know, if they're as stupid as Canadians expect them to be.

A lot of the videos are kind of themed "When Canadian Nature Attacks."


In Canada, seal clubs you.


Canada: a front-row seat to global warming.


Canada: Fuck a Sea World, come meet Shamu's crazy-ass wild sister

Of course, nature can be gentle, too. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.


Niagara Falls is nature's vibrator. No wonder honeymooners go there.

Oh, Canada! Ooooohhhhh Caaanandaaaaa!



*No seriously if they used that Bob and Doug McKenzie Song in these commercials they would be perfect and Americans would suddenly want to not just visit Canada, they'd want to move there and they'd understand and desire socialized healthcare and fries with gravy and cheese and maybe even the Barenaked Ladies.

As Seen in L.A.

Random pictures we took around town! Wheee!

"Ded cat at every turn."
I think it was supposed to be "Dedication at every turn."
Or, "A chicken in every pot."
Or "A woman in every port." Something like that.

Posted on Melrose Avenue by a lover of the ladies.

Somewhere between the sex and drugs,
rock stars are livin' the dream of rinsing and repeating.

I totally broke my ass on that sign while trying to read it.
I broke it again on the second sign, too.

Bloodfuckers: A Twilight Viewing Party Liveblog

Since everything Twilight is still red-hot right now (err...right? Plagiarism accusations [false as it turns out], who Robert Pattinson is dating--this shit pollutes my Insider and Entertainment Tonight alla time, stealing precious airtime from Donny Osmond, Susan Boyle and Octomom, and apparently for Entertainment Weekly it's news every time one of the stars farts) we're doing another of our classic pointless liveblogs.

We're watching it on Blu-Ray so as not to miss any of the awesomeness and it's BD Live-enabled, which makes me wish we could watch it with some random lonely teenage girls but all of Jason's girlfriends were busy tonite.


Rated PG-13 for some violence and _a_ scene of sexuality...

Jason: I can only make it through one scene of sexuality before getting really sleepy and disinterested.

Movie starts...

Jenni: Shh don't tell the guys, but I will just be randomly saying "vampire" throughout the movie (like in the trailer) to annoy them.

Jason: Ugh. (Because he thinks Jacob is Ug, which he is.)

The ugly kid who plays Jacob says, in the movie, "We used to make mudpies when we were little."

Steve: Is that a euphemism? Probably for anal.

Dude just said "Chillax"

Steve: Did he just say chillax?

Jason: That's stupidiculous.

Jason: This is a very accurate depiction of what high school in Washington is like. OK, also, wherever this school is, there wouldn't be black kids. There are no black kids in the woods in Washington.

Jenni: I still think it's silly that these vampires go to high school.

Steve: And they all look 30. I don't think the cops are going to pick them up for truancy.

We're at the part where Bella sits next to Edward in science class and he's acting like he's gonna barf.

Jason: This is shot like a fucking Mexican telenovela, with the close-ups and the staring.

Steve: Maybe tomorrow you'll take a shower, bitch.

The golden onion (um, this teacher has a golden onion)

Steve: Good thing it's not garlic.

Jason: So they play Quidditch with that, right?

Steve: Now she looks like she wants his cock real bad.

The only black kid in town almost hits Bella with his car.

Steve: You'd think the only black kid in town would be more careful with that shit.

Edward says "Bella, we shouldn't be friends."

Steve: Fuck buddies?

Jason: Why do vampires all have such great hair? They all have fancy hair.
Jenni: Well. Hm. Hair is dead, vampires are dead. There's a connection there, maybe?

Lunchroom hotness:

Edward: What if I'm not the hero. What if I'm the bad guy.

Jenni: Even better.

Bella: Why don't we just hang out?

Jason: ...of our clothes.

Bella: Everyone's going to the beach. Come.

Jason: ...in my vagina.

Bella: I mean, have fun.

Jason: In my vagina.

Edward: Which beach?

Bella: La Push.

Jason: ...La Push la penis in la vagina.

At the beach, the longhaired Indians walk up.

Steve: Seriously, is there a barber on the reservation?
Jason: They have long hair, that's how you know they're Indians.

Flashback to the past with the Cullens hunting in olde-tyme clothes

Jason: I'm glad they're all hunting in their finest Little Rascals gear.

Guy in boat with red cap and green shirt is being stalked by a vampire.

Steve: Not child molester Santa!

Bella and Edward talk to Bella's gal pals outside the restaurant. Edward: I think I should make sure Bella gets something to eat.

Jason: Cock.

Edward: If you'd like. I'll drive you home myself.

Jason: I'll drive my cock into you.

Jenni: I'll let you work the stick shift.

Bella: Yeah, I should eat something.

Jason: Cock.

Jenni: I've got some homemade cream sauce you can try.

Bella's dad gives her a can of mace or pepper spray or something.

Jenni: That's the weirdest dildo I've ever seen.

Steve: I thought it was lubricant.

Edward is making Bella say he's a vampire. He's forever 17 (my second-favorite mall store).

Jenni: That's awesome. Eternal jailbait.

Edward: Say it.

Jenni: On my cock.

Edward takes Bella up the mountain.

Jason: Super fast piggyback ride! Sweet!

Edward reveals his glitter skin. Edward: It's the skin of a killer.

Jason: Or a West Hollywood party boy.

Edward: I was born to kill.

Jenni (for Bella): I was born to suck cock. I don't see a problem here.

Edward tells Bella he wanted to suck her blood sooooo bad. Edward: I wanted to kill you. I have never wanted a human's blood so much in my life.

Jason (for Bella): Suck on my tampon.

Edward is explaining that Carlisle has super restraint for not totally sucking the blood out of people including himself.

Steve: So Carlisle is an expert at pulling out.

Jason: Yeah, but he squirts the blood all over their face or back.

Bella's dad's Indian friend comes to visit.

Jason: Wait, so that's a wheelchair werewolf?

Steve: If he becomes a werewolf can he actually walk?

Jenni: No, but his wheelchair is furry.

Jason: It's like those dogs who don't have back legs and have wheels instead.

Edward and Bella are relaxing in her room.

Steve: So if he breaks her hymen, would he just go nuts?

Jenni: No. She's probably had her period so he's smelled her blood already.

Steve: Yeah, but hymen blood is the freshest, most pure blood.

Jenni: What? No, it isn't.

Steve: If his penis a vampire, too, and it would just drink the hymen blood?

Jenni: No.

Steve: Where does the blood for a vampire boner come from? Does he have to feed right before he's going to do it?

Jenni: Not if his vampire dick can just drink up some fresh hymen blood to keep it going.

And then the bad vampires show up and there is just not a lot of room for dick and hymen jokes. Kind of sad.

Bella checks her pepper spray outside the ballet studio.

Steve: Is there garlic in there?

Jenni: And holy water.

Jason: Yeah.

Jenni: And nun's piss. I'm pretty sure nun's piss is deadly to vampires.
So the prom. Jacob's all in love with Bella, too.

Jenni: Vampires, werewolves--Bella's like a Halloween hoochie. The books might have been better if in each book she got a new monster to fall in love with her. I only read the first one (I know, I know--eeew) so maybe that does happen.


Yeah, so that movie wasn't actually all that bad. Not super good or nuffin' but we've watched way, way worse.

Jason: That was beautiful. Don't type that.

R.I.P. Bea Arthur

It's been a while since I've posted a celebrity obituary, but today's passing of Bea Arthur really hits home with me. The huskiest of The Golden Girls has the same birthday as me, so whenever I'd check the celebrity horoscopes, I'd know I'd be having the exact same day as Bea. Or if Entertainment Tonight was listing the celebrity birthdays, I'd know that both Bea Arthur and I could have a free meal at Denny's together on the same day.

Bea Arthur
Actress, Golden Girl
May 13, 1922 - April 25, 2009

Thank you for being a friend

So now on my birthday (it's coming up in a couple of weeks, ladies), I'll have to make due with getting into Disneyland free with only Harvey Keitel, Stevie Wonder and Robert Pattinson. I know! Robert fucking Pattinson! While researching Bea Arthur, I just found out that Twilight boy and I were born on the same freakin' day! So, even though today is sad because Bea is gone, it's sorta happy early birthday to me, 'cuz, like, Robert fucking Pattinson!

Happy Earth Day

My iPhone Can't Take No for an Answer

The auto-suggestion function of the iPhone is supposed to be helpful by offering up words you might've meant to type based on letters that are a key away from what you've actually typed.

Sometimes, though, the auto-suggest just gets it all wrong in a Three's Company sorta way. Try typing "especially." By the time you're four letters in, Mr. iPhone thinks you really want to be tweeting about "rape":

No matter how many times I insist that I'm typing in "especially," my iPhone won't take no for an answer and keeps auto-suggesting the word "rape" instead.

Springtime Photos

It was a nice day today, so I took some new photos this afternoon:

Bird in a Tree


Ice Cream Man


The Mushroom Kingdom


Poolside with Hef


The Sandman


Whack-a-Mole


Ratatouille


LOST


Pikmin