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Monday, February 04, 2008

Liveblogging The American Gladiators Semifinals Round 1

As fans of fine culture, we've been watching the all-new, all-awesome American Gladiators all along, and we kept meaning to liveblog it (yes, we know liveblogging something like this is essentially meaningless but that's Hands in the Air in a nutshell, wouldn't you say?) and now the time has come. I'm dispensing with the time codes on these because it doesn't really matter much and I'm fucking lazy.

We start off in Gladiator Arena with the first two female contenders squaring off in Hit and Run.

It's clear from the tension in the air that both of these women have tasted the sweet nectar that is the Hulkster, and they hate each other for it. This isn't just an athletic contest, it's a fight for the love of one good, muscular, probably bewigged man.

So our main problem with Hit and Run is that most of the players do it wrong, and if they did it right it would be too easy. The gladiators push 100-pound balls at the players, and instead of just waiting or running past, these idiots duck under them, crawling along the plexiglass bridge. Silly. Jason wonders if any of these people have ever played a video game before, and obviously few have because if they did they'd figure out the whole just wait a second and use timing tactic.

Jason: The balls should be on fire. And the gladiators should have guns.

Jenni: This whole thing should be on roller skates.

Jason: The whole show should be on roller skates.

Jenni: Yeah, true.

Jason: Or the gladiators should ride the balls and grab the players.

Jenni: Or the balls could have spikes, at least for the semifinals. Or they should change the bridge, make it really skinny, or grease it, or remove random slats.

Jason: The bridge should move (like a people mover, but fast)

Jenni: Yeah and they have to roller skate against it.

Steve: The pit shouldn't have water in it, it should have spikes, like Mortal Kombat.

Clearly, we should be coming up with events for this show.

And now it's the men's turn. Touching shit: the small blond man is doing this for his dead mother. And the small dark haired man is doing this for his fellow firefighters and all the firefighters who have ever died in New York, or the world, something like that.

Jenni: Oh, yeah, that's great, I bet the dead people are really touched. There was a conference call up in heaven--all right everybody, listen up--we've got two brave young men down on earth who are dedicating their American Gladiator runs to a few of the dead up here. What an amazing, meaningful gesture. There were tears in heaven that day, I'll tell you that.

Power Ball. Jason says the gladiator Titan is called that because that's what happens to his pants when he's with these men.

A bug pops up advertising My Dad is Better than Your Dad, and as an aside, I'm pretty sure my dad could totally demolish Jason's and Steve's dads. They disagree. They're ridiculous. I ain't saying my dad's superbadass as much as I am saying that their dads are sort of creampuffs. We're an athletic family. I'm just saying. I dominate, and I must get that from somewhere, am I right? My mom could also totally take their moms, on the for real tip.

Hang Tough, with the ladies, then the men. Not much happening there, but this is one of the more sexually charged events because the gladiators end up just wrapping their legs around the contenders and trying to get them into the pool. Always looks humpy.

Gauntlet. You can totally tell when the blonde chick gets thru to the end that the artist formerly known as Hollywood Hogan is totally proud that he did this girl earlier, and she feels like she's earned his love. It's pretty touching. The same thing happens with the brunette chick. Amazing. Who will win the affection of Hulk Hogan and the chance to appear on Hogan Knows Best next season? I don't know!!

Joust. Titan keeps wiggling his big Easter Ham thighs in the most sensual way. You know that thing Jason said about Titan earlier? I'm pretty sure it's happening to Steve and Jason right here on our very own couch.

The Announcer and Hulkster say Joust is Titan's house and Titan's Joust. Jason says he imagines Titan's house has nice drapes and doilies in it.

The Wall. Wolf was chasing the blond dude, so he sniffed him before the event. At the end, Wolf did not catch his prey but he did roar right into the camera.

Steve: I was turned on and frightened at the same time. Wolf is mantastic.

Pyramid. When Justice and Mayhem come out, they sort of just jump around atop the squishy blocks and look very much like young ladies at a slumber party. The blond guy actually started laughing at them and so did we. By the way, the blond dude is wearing some very supportive underwears, and is sporting a bit of a pyramid of his own, if you know what I mean. He also talks like he's on speed. Jason says he should thank his dealer for his great performance in the game.

As the men get ready for the Eliminator, the brunet firefighter is doing this weird bouncy waist and hip thrusty stretch move. What was he doing?

Jenni: That's known as the fireman's pelvic stretch. He's getting his "hose" ready.

Jason: What do you want to bet that Titan is down there, just out of the shot?

I sort of just stopped then, I mean, Steve and Jason said some other things that were probably funny in there but I was getting really hungry and not really paying attention. I'm a bad lady. Maybe they could edit in some of their comedy if they see fit. Or not. I dunno. The blond guy and the brunette lady won, in case you were wondering.

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