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Sunday, February 24, 2008

Liveblogging the Oscars 2008

Once again I am keeping this post in chronological order due to laziness and the fact that we didn't tell anyone that we were doing this. Besides, I am putting times on so you can figure out what's what.

5:26: Yeah so I didn't feel like bothering with the pre-show. I mostly didn't watch it, because it was super boring and sucky.

Tho Regis did just call Javier Bardem "Xavier Bardem" so that was pretty good.

5:30 This is a kind of, really awful opening. A CG Hollywood with a truck driving thru it, and all types of characters from movies appearing on the streets. The effects don't work for me, and really, neither does the concept. Apparently our governor drives the UPS-style truck that delivers the statuettes. That part, 100% accurate. It's weird when Hollywood lets a little reality enter into the fantasy.

5:33 Jon Stewart makes the obligatory comments about the strike. Out of respect for the writers, I'll strike any comments I have about all this.

5:38 Oh Diablo Cody, way to pay tribute to your stripper past via your Oscar dress.

5:39 Did there really have to be an opening monologue? Couldn't they have taken a pass on it this year due to time constraints?

5:40 Okay, that was actually a good joke about female and Black presidents signifying it's the future in movies.

5:42 I like seeing the sketches for costume design. I LOVE seeing the crazy getups the costume designers often put themselves in. My, but costume designers are unique souls. The lady who did Elizabeth: The Golden Age wins.

Is this bit o' Oscar history (for some reason I started typing "Shitory") with Barbara Streisand is a glimpse of what would have been? Or is it really just 'cause it's the 80th anniversary? Yes to both? I actually like the shitory uh history stuff. Why do I keep typing that? What's wrong with me?

5:48 I like the touch of glimmer in George Clooney's suit.

5:51 The new media joke was cute enough and was that iPhone deal a product placement or whut?

5:53 Well I guess that Get Smart move will be AWESOME just look at the chemistry between Carell and Hathaway! Ratatouille wins Animated Feature.

5:57 Too much blush Katherine Heigl! And when presenting a Makeup award! No wonder you were nervous. The peeps from La Vie En Rose win.

6:08 The Visual Effects category presented by Dwayne "Don't Call Me The Rock, Motherfuckers, I'm a Serious Actor Now" Johnson. The dudes who worked on The Golden Compass win.

6:11 There's really nothing bitchy to say about Art Direction. It's weird, you know, for any movie with any type of budget, I have to feel sorry for the artists who do things like Art Direction, makeup, really everything except direction, writing and acting, because they generally do a good job and then it's in support of a movie like Thirteen Ghosts or some shit. It's got to be kind of shitty to be them sometimes, all that work for what is truly just a big pile of crap. Anyway, the peeps for Sweeney Todd win.

6:15 Supporting Actor. I love the smug look you sometimes get from actors when they cut back to them after showing a clip of their performance during these damn things. How about that look from Philip Seymour Hoffman, like they just listed off the number of starving AIDS babies and grandmothers he saved with the power of his fucking mind instead of just showing some shitty scene from Charlie Wilson's War. I bet he thought he was acting all humble and shit.

Javier Bardem wins. I bet whoever has to transcribe the acceptance speeches is saying "Fuck You Javier Bardem, this is no country for giving a speech in Spanish" right about now. Aww.

6:23 Ahh, so I guess all these history things were gonna be the bulk of the show had the strike continued. Glad that's cleared up.

6:28 Somehow this movie August Rush completely slipped by me. I can't say I feel too bad about that.

6:28 (but later) Brave Owen Wilson presents the Live Action Short Film category. Brave because there are a lot of foreign names and whatev, but also becuz he tried to kill himself or something but he still gets up there and does it, man, he's doin' his thing. Some dude with some movie about Le Mozart des Pickpockets wins.

6:32 Animated Short it me or is there a Peter and the Wolf thing like every few years? I feel that's true with nothing to back it up. It wins, anyway.

6:35 Best Supporting Actress. What the hell kind of reaction was Ruby Dee giving there after her clip played? She looked, as the British say, "gobsmacked." Or something. Tilda Swinton wins. There are a lot of one-armed dresses in effect this year. Hers is very scary and frumptacular. Her speech is pretty good tho, with the Batman suit joke and whatev. Also, she is so extra white. Amazingly, brilliantly white. Skeery.

6:46 You know who isn't hot? James McAvoy. You know who else? Josh Brolin. I am LOVING these images of most of the nominees typing to show that they were writing the scripts for Adapted Screenplay. Joel and Ethan Coen win.

6:51 John Travolta says "Hither to this point." Which, I mean, who talks like that? And then someone, I don't know who, says "I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you" which is one of my least favorite things that people say. I really hate that.

6:53 Miley Cyrus!!! For the kids in the heezy!! You know she just legally changed her name to Miley Ray Cyrus (from Destiny Hope Cyrus). The "Ray" is a tribute to her daddy. Or whatever. You know what's a better tribute to your daddy? Keeping the fucking name he gave you.

Note to self: change name.

7:03 The Bourne Ultimatum peoples win for Best Sound Editing. Rad ponytail, sound editor dude!

7:05 Look! Sound Mixers at work! My GOD that's fascinating! They like, look really intense into space and you can tell they're thinking and really working, man, and then they push things on a board and then they look at each other to say, "Well mixed, my friend. Well mixed." Different Bourne Ultimatum peoples win this one.

7:10 Are people still wearing AIDS ribbons, Julie Christie? Just asking. Marion Cotillard wins Best Actress.

7:18 Wii product placement? Colin Farrell glides onstage like the graceful Irish pixie he is to introduce Irishy song stuff.

7:23 Is anyone else tired of Jack Nicholson or is it just me?

7:30 The Bourne Ultimatum dude wins for Editing.

7:42 Those at least partially Irish peeps win for the song from Once. I missed a couple of awards, I think. Suck it up. I have a life, you know. Stop riding my ass, geez. Go here to see a full list o' stuff:

7:57 That's nice that Jon Stewart let the Once chick finish her thank-yous.

8:00 Dude for There Will Be Blood wins for Cinematography. Hey, if they wanted me to know their names they'd be better looking and would do something important, like speak lines other people write.

8:09 Original Score: Atonement dude wins.

8:13 The nominees for Documentary Short are trying to act like it's an honor for these soldiers to be presenting their award but inside they are seething. Seething! They wanted at least a Jonah Hill or a Marlee Matlin. Me, I think nobodies awarding to, well, nobodies is kinda appropriate. And now they see Tom Hanks--Tom FUCKING OSCAR WINNER Hanks is giving the full-length documentaries their award. Well, not cool. Taxi to the Dark Side wins for Documentary. (Freeheld won Documentary Short.)

8:25 Diablo Cody wins for writing Juno. I am not so sure if that is a good thing for her career or not. Is it ok to hate her? I forget. I mean not that I hate her, why would I hate her? I love strippers, I love screenwriters, I love brunettes, I love ladies with tattoos of ladies.

I hate her.

Oh just kidding, I'm only jealous. Insanely jealous. I'm jealous of a lot of people. I think that's a sin. Or something.

8:35 Daniel Day-Lewis wins Best Actor. His haircut wins Best Piece of Shit Haircut on a Man Who Can Afford a Good Fucking Haircut.

8:44 Joel and Ethan Coen win Best Director(s). I added the (s). They seem like fun dudes. I hate them, too. Just kidding. (See above, 8:25.)

8:46 No Country for Old Men wins Best Picture. That's nice.

So that's it really. Another Oscars over, thank goodness those nasty writers came to their senses so it wasn't all ruined and shit. Writers are so mean, that's the take home message this year.

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