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Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Storytelling R.I.P.

Storytelling, as we knew it, is over. The very idea of telling a story has been part of the human condition since man first tamed a T-Rex and rode it around, forcing other primitive humanoids to listen to his ramblings or face the jaws of his besaddled dinosaur. Since then, it has been refined. A young, Hebrew slave in ancient Egypt invented the first setting -- "anywhere that's not a fucking desert" I believe it was. An elderly woman in Elizabethan England founded the concept of character with her invention of a sexually promiscuous grandmother who seduced teenage boys by day and fought lesbian ninja vampires by night. In 1957, an American inventor named Philip Boroughs, previously known as the creator of the horseless pony ride, invented the typical plot structure found in stories everywhere even today.

All this time, the concept of story was being crafted by our collective consciousness, smoothed like a small stone at the heart of a raging river. But now that stone is so smooth it can split atoms, because storytelling has reached its zenith!

Don't believe me? Then let me present four pieces of evidence that I have recently run across.

Exhibit A: Rock Monster

For so long now, Sci-Fi Channel movies have been knocking on the door of true greatness. House of the Dead 2 alone nearly killed all storytelling forever. I don't even need to go into the innumerable ways in which Mansquito has informed modern storytelling and reminded us all how awesome Corin Nemec is. But with Rock Monster, Sci-Fi Channel was finally able to synchronize its storytelling Swatches and create the ultimate tale of hope, loss, love and triumph.

Imagine, if you will, a simpler time, when warriors battled wizards with magical powers that looked like CG effects made by guys who went to one of those colleges you see advertised during Maury. One such warrior managed to stab one such wizard right in his one such chest and the wizard died...or did he? It might shock you to learn that, in fact, no he DID NOT. Instead, his evil wizard spirit was absorbed by the very land upon which his corpse fell and thus, the Rock Monster is born. The Rock Monster is doomed to slumber until such time as the sword that killed the wizard is disturbed.

Now tell me, have you ever in your life heard a better setup for a story? No, you have not, because it's impossible to create one. It can't be done.

Exhibit B: Dolph Lundgren's Command Performance

Dolph Lundgren has almost killed storytelling about a bazillion times almost single-handedly. Rocky IV? I Come In Peace (about, I swear to God, an alien dude that injects people with heroin and then sucks their blood -- ends with the line "But you're going in pieces!")? Universal Soldier? Masters of the motherfucking UNIVERSE? Well now, he has done it. He took the bloody corpse of storytelling from Rock Monster and is about to beat it Ivan Drago style with a film that he co-wrote, will direct and star in. Dolph plays a rock and/or roll drummer putting on a concert for the Russian President when terrorists strike, meaning it's time to beat some skins -- some HUMAN skins, and all of the sensitive organs underneath them! Jason wants someone to be impaled by a drumstick, and I concur. This is set to be the best movie about drumming since the porn version of Drumline.

Beware of the gratuitous 8-minute solo in the middle of this movie.

Exhibit C: You Later

Exhibit D: 50 Cent: Blood in the Sand

Here's how this video game's plot came to be:

Game Developer 1: Oh my God! Guys, did you see the title of the new Indiana Jones movie? Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? AWESOME!

Game Developer 2: Yeah, that shit is looking sah-weet! The only downside is Harrison Ford is looking old. It's too bad that movie couldn't star someone who's a hero for the new generation. Oh well, back to making a shitty 50 Cent video game...

Game Developer 3: Wait a minute, THAT'S IT! THAT'S FUCKING IT! We're GENIUSES!

Game Developer 1: Of course! We make a video game of the new Indiana Jones movie, but we 50 Cent-ify that bitch!

Game Developer 2: Yeah, pimp that ride, yo!

Game Developer 3: That's Xzibit.

50 Cent and his crew are staging a concert in a war-torn Middle Eastern country -- let's call it Shmiraq. After raising the roof on that bitch, the crooked Arab concert promoter tries to stiff Fiddy. Obviously Fiddy is not cool with this, so he and his crew shake this guy (I like to imagine Tony Shalhoub from Men in Black) down for a national treasure of Shmiraq, the fabled Crystal Skull. But then, get this, some other Arab guy and his crew steal the Crystal Skull from Fiddy and now it's up to our 'roid-ragin' gangsta rapper hero to get his blinged-out skull back.

"That's right, I got a video game. Your move, Kanye."

I swear to God this is real. I'm not making this up, because I'm not that talented. No one is. God couldn't have created this story, it's that good. From now on, churches will replace their Bibles or Torahs -- though probably not Korans -- with this new 50 Cent video game.

So if you were thinking of ever telling a story to anyone ever again, forget it, you're too late.

Photos by Jason. Rock Monster created by Jason's Industrial Creature Shop Light & Magic.

1 comment:

Nolahn said...

MANSQUITO! That will absolutely be featured at The 'Bin sometime soon...