The Sexiest Blog Alive

Pop Culture | Movies | Celebs | TV | Video Games | Comics | Toys | Gossip | Snark

Visit the new Tumblr blog at

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Drug Story

It's a relatively well-known fact that I love shopping in drug stores, like, a LOT. My favorite is probably the Drug Mart chain in Ohio, and don't get me started about the Boots chain in England--but I love them all at least a little. I like the makeup aisles, I like the general mix of crap, and I love the shoddy gifts and novelties you can get pretty much only at drug stores. I can spend hours at Drug Mart, but I can put in some good time even at a shitty Rite Aid.

Today I went to CVS by myself. As I'm walking to the store, and this old man kind of looks past me, starts laughing, looks at me, laughs some more, and then goes on his merry way.

And in my head I'm like, "Fuck you you old man, what the fuck is your problem, laughing at me? What's so goddamn funny?" Because you can't really converse with old people, even when you want to say something polite, you just can't. They won't understand you. Try it sometime with a non-relative, I think you'll see I'm right.

I continue to curse the old man as I start shopping. And then I sort of forget him because I'm looking at the makeup aisles and reading the circulars and whatever. And I get to the gifts aisle and I see this little number:

And I'm like well, Merry Christmas Jason! I like that it marries the rough, leathery elegance of the old West with good, old-fashioned Christian classiness--and it will remind you of getting a whoopin', you know, from a gay cowboy. (The only way to get a whoopin', in my opinion.)

There were several picture frames and I think maybe a clock in the same faux leather and silver motif, most but not all with crosses. Some had guns and bullets, which, you know, same diff.

Then I go down one of the grocery aisles and I see this:

And after I swallowed back down the remnants of my breakfast that tried to escape, I snapped another picture. Because we're in Cali, there are all sorts of kookles products in these types of stores aimed solely at Hispanicals who hate their children and have heard of good nutrition but want nothing to do with it.

This one just particularly grossed me out because why would you want to drink corn starch with strawberry flavors and supposed vitamins? And why does it look like you'll be drinking the brain of this happy glassful of corn starch drink? I don't know the answers. But they aren't trying to hide the corn, they want you to know the corn is in there. Ew. I guess it would be a sort of thickish drink so you could pretend your kids were drinking milk. I don't know. Is there a white people version of this I've been missing? I want to say no but I am no expert at shitty foods.

Anydoodles, I get back to my filthy car and that's when I see it...the message I'd written in the dirt of the back window the week before, and promptly forgotten all about:

So that's why the old man was laughing. I was able to release some of my anger at him, and I even thought to myself, "Oh, so he was appreciating my humor, so that's good."

But, you know, fuck him anyway. Old people think they're all that and a bag of colostomy.


Deitri said...

Atole is a drink made from masa (like tamales). I had the real stuff at the dinner for the Virgen de Guadalupe novena where they were also serving tamales. The strawberry wasn't good and the plain (vanilla?) was worse. Is this stuff instant?
You totally need to buy some.

Jason said...

I like that every piece of horrible merchandising that Jenni finds becomes a gift idea for Jason.

Xmas morning for me looks like someone robbed the 99 cent store.