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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Vega$ or Bu$t!

Viva Las Vegas, baby! It's Sin City--a place of neon lights and broken dreams and things that are illegal in 48 other states. Who could possibly not like Las Vegas? Why that would have to be someone who doesn't love self-expression, or fun, or dare I say it--good, ol' fashioned, red-blooded American Freedom(TM)! Basically, if you don't love Las Vegas you might as well be washing Osama's balls because you're a filthy terrorist.

And that grim reality is something that videogame developer/publisher Ubisoft is set to explore with their game Rainbow Six: Vegas. Terrorists have seized The Strip with their fun-hating--covering wholesome American strippers in burkhas and stealing buckets of quarters from our senior citizens who desperately need to win their retirement money. That's when Team Rainbow, a tactical assault unit, goes to work putting holes into bad people, usually in their vital organs. Sounds like a classic American ass-kicking in the vein of a Michael Bay film. Hells yeah, sign me up!

"Head shot, head shot... lemon! @#$!!!"

But what's this? Who hates fun as much as terrorists? Oh right, politicians. It seems like old fashioned American ass-kicking may be in trouble because of old fashioned American election year politics. In a desperate attempt to prove he does something, Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman has spoken out against the latest Rainbow Six game saying, "It could be harmful economically, and it may be something that's not entitled to free speech (protection)," and adding "It's based on a false premise."

Well, I have to admit, he's got a point--a FICTIONAL videogame is indeed not based in FACT. I'm glad Mr. Goodman was able to point that out to everyone, because I was confused. Here are some reasons that I've stayed away from Vegas in the past, that are all apparently bullshit:

  • Three casinos were robbed simultaneously by a ragtag group of charming rogues in a splendid caper. This happened twice--once in the '60s and then again a couple of years ago. Strangely enough the jobs were very similar.

  • The Stratosphere exploded. Apparently they've fixed it. (This happened in the movie Domino, which I haven’t seen because even I can't stomach enough Tony Scott-esque camera tomfoolery to get through it).

  • People turn up dead there a lot, often with bizarre circumstances surrounding their deaths, and only a bunch of people with infrared goggles can crack the case. Usually the case involves a) Furries, b) Dwarves, c) you later, and/or 4) bestiality.

  • The Mob runs a bunch of Vegas casinos. (Oh wait, that one's real.)

  • A crazy scientist accidentally enlarged his toddler to massive proportions. He trashed The Strip and was calmed only by a giant version of his mommy. He's still in therapy. Rick Moranis' career has yet to recover.

  • Martians trashed the city and only Annette Bening, the fabulous Tom Jones, some bitch named Janice Rivera and Jim Brown were badass enough to escape. Jack Nicholson and Danny DeVito were killed--poor bastards. I hear they've gotten better.

So, you see, there's room for a little bit of that accursed Fiction in our lives, even if it is in a virtual form. So give us a break Mr. Mayor. I know that the voters are restless and you all spend a lot of money convincing people that it's okay to have fun as long as you're gambling away your life savings or spending your kids' college fund on strippers and indiscriminate sex with strangers, but somehow I believe that your marketing campaign can sustain the fallout from a simple videogame.

Photos by Ja$on.


Deitri said...

I wish I could put a $ in my name. Or a *. I got nothin'.

jenni said...

You can do two !


That's kind of sweet. Like the i's are doing flips or some shit.

Blogger said...

I have just downloaded iStripper, so I can have the best virtual strippers on my desktop.