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Tuesday, November 28, 2006

King Me!

It’s good to be The King. Not just any king mind you, I am referring to the one and only monarch who still has relevancy in these modern, democratic times. I’m talking, of course, about the Burger King and, while you surely know him for his delicious flame-broiled burgers and the answer to my prayers, Chicken Fries, you should also know that he has taken the first bold steps into a new frontier. Right now, with any combo meal purchase at Burger King, you can secure for the low, low price of an additional $3.99, one of three hot, new XBOX and XBOX 360 games featuring The King himself in all of his plastic-faced, creepy glory.

Have it your way. Fast food and video games:
Burger King gives you two ways to get a fat ass!


Two of the three games seem pretty dull. Big Bumpin’ seems to be nothing more than a bumper car simulator which basically fits the definition of a game nobody asked for. There’s just no way to virtually simulate the thrill of slamming maniacally into a retarded kid over and over again and the look of helplessness mingled with terror and rage on his red, puffy, Down Syndrome face as he cries and runs screaming from the midway. Yeah, like I’m the only one who does that. The other game is Pocketbike Racer which, despite having a name rife with masturbatory overtones, is little more than a racing game featuring The King on a miniature motorbike.

The real Special Sauce on this sandwich is the game Sneak King. In this stealthy adventure, The King must use his wits and guile to quietly stalk hungry citizens and then pop out and surprise them with his juicy Whopper. Imagine getting into your car on your way to some appointment or Ye Olde Porn Shoppe (still not just me), with a growling stomach, only to find that permanently frozen, regal face staring coldly at you from the rear view mirror, a piping hot burger in hand. Sure, at first you’d be freaked out, but then you’d realize what was going on and be delighted for the snack. If only The King were permitted to perform this service to society for reals. Stupid breaking and entering laws.

Hopefully this whole thing is a tremendous success and Burger King has the opportunity to expand to other platforms. For example, the Nintendo Wii and its new control scheme would open up a whole new realm of possibilities. They could make Royal Burger Chef for instance, in which the player must use the Wii Remote’s motion sensing technology to flip burgers, mop the restaurant and perform other typical fast food employee chores under the watchful, judgmental gaze of The King. That fits right in line with Nintendo’s recent string of “Touch Generation” games like Brain Age which endeavors to make math fun. And Royal Burger Chef would be vocational training that’s desperately needed by today’s youth. Let’s face it, not all of them are going to grow up to be superstar internet sensations like us here at Hands in the Air.

Photo flame-broiled by Jason