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Monday, June 18, 2007

Jenni Hates Everything: Fantastic Four Edition

Jason and Steve dragged me to a showing of Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer this weekend. Yeah, it wasn't good. Naturally, it's the number one movie.

I was going to liveblog it from the theater, but apparently there are rules against laptops in the auditoriums. Who knew?

So I'll just sort of cobble together the experience from memory and the limited notes I took when not ogling Chris "Hot-ass Johnny Storm" Evans. But first, a story.


As per usual, I there were total turds sitting behind us, this time in the form of an obnoxious little girl and her equally obnoxious father. I couldn't turn around to look at them because then I surely would have commited some unspeakable act of violence with the free Red Vines the theater gave us for pardoning their dust.

The theater we saw it in is converting over to an Arclight, which is actually where we usually see movies because they have assigned seating and delish popcorn. So before the movie, an employee will come out and talk to the audience (something that adds little-to-nothing to the experience but I suppose makes the easily impressed feel like it's "an experience") and in this instance they brought the house lights all the way up to do that, and the little twat behind us says "Ugh, WHAT is this now?!" and I'm making a Red Vines garrote to silence her (sweetly) and the employee says "no commericals" becuz they don't show commericals and NOW the little cunt is onboard with the psuedo-Arclight experience and she begins to chant "Yeah! NOOOOO commericals! I hate commericals!" and I pull the Red Vines too hard and my garrote snaps in two. Great, my hands stink of artificial strawberry gunk for nothing.

The employee's greeting and explanation is over and he leaves, and the lights go back down and the trailers and commericals start up. And the little piece of shit has apparently forgotten her hatred of commericals, because she cannot SHUT UP about anything she's seeing, and she's laughing at the commericals and reacting to the trailers and clearly she's in hog heaven--what the hell is she going to do when there actually aren't commericals for her to delight in? Stupid little twatty brat.

Your Feature Presentation

Anyway, the movie. Written for the lowest common denominator (see: the twatette and her twat father who were sitting behind us) with cheap, obvious gags and by-the-book action sequences, this movie wasn't trying very hard--and apparently I am the only one bothered by that.

Some observations from my notes:

The Silver Surfer sort of reaches near his crotchular area and clearly thinks "Where's muh dick?"

Dr. Doom (Uh, Victor Von Doom, I dunno that they ever actually call him Dr. Doom) at one point is surfing thru the air on the Surfer's board (the source of all the SS's power in the movie, LAME) in full-on Doom regalia, hood and metal face and armor and all, and if that sounds stupid, honestly, you have no idea HOW stupid it is until you see it. Just sad.

Luvved Jessica Alba's definitely uninvisible makeup. Very exaggerated, lots of heavy liner.

But there's a Paris Hiltonality to the blue contacts and blonde wig. Sometimes it worked, sometimes, not so much. And her lips were superpoofy. Odd.

They made the Fantasticar a Dodge (hahahoho) and there's a joke about it having a hemi that's not even hemi funny. (Steve says the joke was hemifisted; Jason says it was hemisexual.)

Chris Evans (Johnny Storm) is freaking hot but he's now a bit bulky muscley in the upper body which he didn't need to do, but love what he's done with the lower body. Should have been more camera focus on his ass and legs.

Galactus as a cloud = gaylactus

OMG what has happened to Julian McMahon's face? It's puffy and weird. Age is a cold, cold bitch. In the theater I jotted down "Faux physician, really heal thyself."

Apparently the big terrible plan for earth's destruction is the Silver Surver drills bowling ball-styled fingerholds into the ground and Cloudlactus will finger the world to death.

Come ON Galactus, of course the Silver Surfer rebelled--you can't take away a man's dick and expect him to be loyal.

The chick they pair Johnny Storm up with isn't hot enuff for his fine ass but there is one point where Sue and Johnny (Jessica and Chris) are having a moment and it totally looks like we're in for a brother/sister makeout session which I'm all for when the brother and sister are that yummy. Can I be in that family? Rowr.

When the Silver Surfer says "My people called him Galactus" the twat father behind us stage whispered "Galactus" along with him. I believe I should be congratulated for not breaking his nose into his head and up through his brain for that. It was clearly deserved.

Yeah, this was full of spoilers. But I think that's only a big deal if, you know, the movie has a plot and a story and shit.


Deitri said...

I loved it and you're wrong.

jenni said...

How could you possibly LOVE it? What's happened to you? At least you didn't like Superman Returns, or I don't know if we'd still be allowed to be related.

Anonymous said...

I totally loved Jwnni's version so much that the movie probably pales in comparison except I'd like to see Johnny Storm's legs/ass. And Jenni, Dee told me she "liked it, which meant it wasn't that good" the day after she saw it so there.