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Wednesday, October 11, 2006


"Yub nub, eee chop yub nub."

"Freedom, we've got freedom."

It's poetry, people. It's the first song of celebration from an oppressed galaxy after decades of tyranny pouring from the mouths of adorable, fuzzy freedom-fighters.

I love Ewoks, I really do. I didn't have some silly teddy bear as a child, hell I didn't even like Teddy Roosevelt. I had Wicket W. Warrick as my comfort on dark nights when I was sure that clown from the mini-series version of IT who sounded like Frank-N-Furter was coming to kill me. I've always been an Ewok fan and I always will. But there is an element of the Star Wars fanbase that loathes the cuddly creatures because they're not "hardcore" enough or some crap. Phooey on them, I say! Poppycock!

But it seems these bloodthirsty mongrels have people on the inside. Behold and despair, the Ewok suicide bomber!

Ewoks tend to take their practical jokes a bit too far.

As a unit in the expansion for the PC game Star Wars: Empire at War, the "Ewok handler" is a shirtless monster of a man who plucks helpless Ewoks from his sack, straps explosives to their chests and sends them stumbling bleary-eyed and helpless toward his target. What happens when they reach their destination? Nothing short of fiery, explosive death. By the Emperor's black bones, that's a shade of villainy darker even than Darth Vader could endure.

I love the smell of burning fur in the morning.

This kind of thing is totally unacceptable and I demand that this tactic be removed from the game, post-haste! This exploitation of the adorable Ewok is unconscionable and will not be tolerated. I honestly don't know what the game designers were thinking.

They totally should have used Gungans instead, those guys are assholes.

Gub-gub chee wob-wob (translation: photos by Jason)


Deitri said...

That's so sad that people take pleasure in blowing up innocent Ewoks.

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