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Sunday, December 31, 2006

2006 in Review, Part 2

There are mere moments left in 2006, at least here at Hands in the Air HQ, and I'm taking a break from getting drunk off my ass and singing the wrong words to Auld Lang Syne to post my year in review.

Best Comic Event:
Marvel's Civil War

It's the kind of thing nerds crave--who would win in a fight between Captain America and Iron Man? Now we're kind of getting a chance to answer that and many other hero vs. hero battles that were once the realm of "What if..." tales. This also proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Iron Man is a dick. I've been saying that for years, and it's nice to finally have some back-up.

Worst Comic Event:
Spider-Man: The Other

Spider-Man ate a vampire's head, died, came back to life after a spirit-quest and then confronted an enemy made out of a swarm of mystical spiders. As Stan Lee would say, 'Nuff Said.

Comic Movie that Raped my Childhood the Hardest:
Superman Returns

Brian Singer, in remaking the original Superman: The Movie, basically took the world's most iconic super hero and turned him into a deadbeat dad. Thanks. There's so much wrong with this movie that I don't know where to begin, but when I'm rooting for Lois and her love-child with Superman to drown in a watery grave, that's a bad sign. The sweet irony is that nerds all over, myself included, were panicked that Singer's departure from the X-Men franchise would spell certain doom, but Brett Ratner's X-Men: The Last Stand is in every way a better film (not great, but better), than Superman Returns.

Best Movie of the Year:

Trick category. No Star Wars films were released this year therefore cinema, as both art and entertainment, stagnated. Maybe there'll be something in 2007. I hear good things about Spider-Man 3.

Best Movie Ending No One Saw:
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Sure, the theatrical version just kind of stops after a long, meandering 2-and-a-half hours, but I've heard that in the super-secret ultimate collector's edition, Gore Verbinski will include the real ending. I hear Disney plans to release the finale, which also clocks in at 2-and-a-half hours or more, in theaters next year. I think it's called Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. Since I paid for the first half of the movie already, will I have to pay for the rest? Time will tell.

Best New Magazine:
Girls & Corpses Magazine

Okay, it's probably not new this year, but c'mon. Do you like girls? I do. Do you like corpses? Who the hell doesn't? Put them together and it's like the peanut butter in your chocolate or the K-Y Jelly in your embalming fluid. HOT!

Best Prank of the Year:

Bring a copy of Girls & Corpses Magazine to work and leave it in the public bathroom. Make sure to paste on a fake label with your manager's address on it for extra punch. Stick some pages together with a few smears of glue for an added creep factor.

That's it for me and for 2006. I've got to get going because Jenni is pretending to be passed out at the Standard Hotel downtown in another desperate attempt to get groped by a stranger/star and Jason's too busy demonstrating his Jean-Claude Van Damme dance from Kickboxer for a bunch of drunk chicks to pick her up. See you next year!


silver said...

That Van Damme scene was completely faked. No one in their right mind would think "That guy just did the splits, he must be trying to steal our women!"
Also unlikely: "I bet I could take him."

cat said...

I agree with your thoughts on Superman Returns, oh how disapointed I was, the more I think about the film the less I like it everytime. sigh.