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Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Backstage at the Oscar Nominations Announcement

The Oscar nominations were announced by Salma Hayek and her funny bangs at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences in Beverly Hills this past Tuesday. I got to attend the event, but the only real dirt I can dish from being there was that I shared an elevator with Salma and that she was all weepy and emotional before the event in her "dressing room" (the restroom on the 7th floor of AMPAS). People speculate that she was teary-eyed because she was happy to find out pal Penelope Cruz had earned a nomination. It's either that or she just heard that Adam Sandler's Click had somehow scored an Oscar nod.

Find the eight things in this picture that won't be winning an Oscar this year.
Hint: Seven of them are pictured in the posters on the wall, while one of them thought a YouTube "Adorable Kittens" montage warranted consideration from the Academy.


Now that the nominations are out, here's a quick rundown of this year's picks:

Babel
I haven't seen it, but I think it's like an international version of Crash.

United 93
Too soon? No, Oliver Stone returning to moviemaking with World Trade Center right after making Alexander is too soon.

Supporting Actress
Jennifer Hudson has now become the first veteran of American Idol to be validated by Hollywood's top honor

Same goes for Mark Wahlberg, but replace "American Idol" with "The Funky Bunch"
Members of the press actually groaned when this nomination was announced. Snobs. When I see a movie that celebrates dildos as artificial limbs, Baywatch as masturbation material, naked man-on-man wrestling and poop in a baggie, it smells like Oscar to me. I suppose it also smells like poop in a baggie, but still.

Previously Nominated Actresses
Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep, Judi Dench, Kate Winslet and Cate Blanchett all got nominated. Again. I haven't bothered to see any of their movies. Again. Women who are British or could be mistaken for British always have a good chance at getting nominated.

Movie Titles
Little Miss Sunshine, No Time for Nuts, Happy Feet, Children of Men and The Queen. They could be nominated films, but they more likely sound like titles in a gay porno Netflix queue.

Apocalypto
Insert anti-semitic Mel Gibson joke here.

Al Gore has a good shot at starring in a winner since this year's nominations don't include documentaries on 'tards, cancer kids or the Holocaust. Insert anti-semitic Mel Gibson joke here.


Special contest! Submit a comment and identify the movie posters pictured in the photo above. The first commenter to get all seven correct or whoever has identified the most movie posters in the next week will become Blogger of the Month! It's an honor almost as prestigious as the Oscar for Best Sound Editing!
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9 comments:

Deitri said...

Silent Hill
Firewall
Failure to Launch
The Lake House
She's the Man
RV
The Pink Panther

Can you guess which two I saw in the theater?

silver said...

Silent Hill
Firewall
Failure to Launch
The Lake House
She's the Man
RV
The Pink Panther

...damn

chris said...

There is an 8th thing that won't be winning an Oscar -- Jason. What did you say to Salma to make her cry?

Jason said...

Sorry, Silver (nice cut-and-paste job), but Deitri wins this one, although she simultaneously loses for having seen "Firewall" and "The Pink Panther" in theaters, perhaps? Congrats, Deitri!

I think I made Salma cry when I complimented her on her great work in "Sahara" opposite Matthew McConaughey. I guess that wasn't her in that movie.

Deitri said...

It was Firewall and The Lake House. A corny time-travel movie set in Chicago; how much more Deitri can you get? I have no excuse for Firewall.

silver said...

I saw Failure to Launch on a plane, which, coincidentally, is also the reason I can claim to have seen Monster in Law.
It was 97% terrible, but managed to keep its head above water by staying true to two important airline-entertainment axioms: the script contained very few crashing planes, and (surprisingly) only twice alluded to the main character as having erectile dysfunction.

The same could not be reasonably said of Firewall, during which I counted no less than 13 scenes featuring Harrison Ford and a different 22-year-old woman. Both would reach various stages of undress, at which point Indy unfailingly uttered the Lethal Weaponesque "I'm getting to old for this shit," and fell asleep.

I had gone into the theatre expecting some kind of digital thriller, but left certain that "Firewall" simply referred to some kind of infection.

silver said...

Also, if you read the plot summary for Sahara on imdb, you might, stumble across one of the great sentences in modern literature:

"To save themselves and thus the people of the surroundings they dare to do what they never did!"

I've been working on comically constructed sentences for years, and I doubt I'll ever even come close to this guy's level.

Tanning Lotion said...

I never understand the Oscars anyway.

Tanning Lotion

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