Bad

R.I.P.
Michael Jackson
Musician, Actor, King of Pop
August 29, 1958 - June 25, 2009Thriller!

Jason and Jenni, so timely, so filled with class.

Jason: we blew it not going to the michael jackson auction
Jenni: um, ok. i still feel good about not going. being mocked on tour sad-ass blog would probably have driven him to a slightly earlier grave.
Jason: maybe they can actually auction off his stuff now
Jenni: they might have to, no?
Jenni: wuzzent he broke-ass-broke and that's why he was doing those concerts in london next month?
Jenni: which they'll have to refund the money for, i'd say
Jason: but his nose will live on
Jason: who will now succeed the throne of pop?
Jenni: I believe a cage-match style throwdown will decide
Jenni: that's how michael got the throne, and also why prince walks with a limp
Jason: oh, shum on
Jason: all hail justin timberlake, new king of pop
Jenni: yeah he's in shape and shit
Jenni: are people in your office also playing michael jackson music
Jenni: because yay
Jason: no, i still have the charlie's angels theme on repeat
Jenni: classy
Jason: he's touched so many of us. when we were children. gentle, loving caresses.
Jason: so you seeing all these rumors about jeff goldblum being dead, too?
Jenni: saw someone mention it
Jenni:also hearing and seeing that comes in threes thing which totally bugs me
Jason: yeah, when do you start and stop counting?
Jason: cuz david carradine was kinda out there on his own
Jenni: but people say it like it's this fact
Jenni: right
Jenni: i hate it
Jason: it's hazardous out there right now if you're a celebrity. now's not a good time to be fiddling around with auto-erotic asphyxiation
Jenni: and i really hate it when people are like "did you ever notice..." like they thought of it
Jenni: which is like, at least triple stupid
Jason: he's up there now with jesus and his juice
Jenni:Dirty Diana? Really? You are not honoring anyone's legacy if you play a piece of shit song like that.
Jenni: Jesus co-workers, get some sense. i just told my co-worker i was going to go "king of pop a cap in their asses" for playing Michael Jackson music so loudly during work
Jenni: not one thing from Off the Wall, either
Jason: at least Extra and The Insider won't hafta keep milking this ed mcmahon stuff
Jenni: yeah tho I am sort of excited to see what Webster and Macaulay Culkin have to say about it. and just random celebs who happened to be out and about. i love when they don't know and the tv shows ambush them
Jason: i just turned on the news
Jason: sheesh
Jason:it's like 9/11
Jason: poor farrah

R.I.P. Farrah Fawcett

Farrah Fawcett

Actress, Poster Babe
February 2, 1947 - June 25, 2009

Internet

I was like, where can I get some fucking internet around this bitch?


And then BOOM motherfucker. Three licks later, I found the Tootsie Roll center of the internet. If there was one of those poles standing there with the white arrow-type signs with city names and shit pointing in different directions like in MASH or whatever, the one that said "Internet" would be pointing straight down to this point.

The Death-Defying Adventures of Danger Baby

Introducing Danger Baby, infant about town, toddler of action. He's like the Newbourne Identity. If there's an accident waiting to happen, this baby is likely nearby and there's likely an additional accident waiting to happen in his diaper, too.

There are certain places where a baby should never be, like at the top of a long flight of stairs, a sketchy alley or inside my recent date's womb, but Danger Baby likes to live on the edge. This baby's middle name is Danger, except it's really his first name since his name is "Danger Baby," but still. Anyway, enough talk. Let's get to the action that is the first installment of Danger Baby.

Take Off*

I like Canada's new advertising campaign to get the Americans they disdain to come drag their fat asses up to the Great White North and spend some of their filthy, greasy American money there.

It seems like they're using the tactic of "Stop Being a Pussy and Visit Us, Eh?" which might work on Americans, you know, if they're as stupid as Canadians expect them to be.

A lot of the videos are kind of themed "When Canadian Nature Attacks."


In Canada, seal clubs you.


Canada: a front-row seat to global warming.


Canada: Fuck a Sea World, come meet Shamu's crazy-ass wild sister

Of course, nature can be gentle, too. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.


Niagara Falls is nature's vibrator. No wonder honeymooners go there.

Oh, Canada! Ooooohhhhh Caaanandaaaaa!



*No seriously if they used that Bob and Doug McKenzie Song in these commercials they would be perfect and Americans would suddenly want to not just visit Canada, they'd want to move there and they'd understand and desire socialized healthcare and fries with gravy and cheese and maybe even the Barenaked Ladies.

As Seen in L.A.

Random pictures we took around town! Wheee!

"Ded cat at every turn."
I think it was supposed to be "Dedication at every turn."
Or, "A chicken in every pot."
Or "A woman in every port." Something like that.

Posted on Melrose Avenue by a lover of the ladies.

Somewhere between the sex and drugs,
rock stars are livin' the dream of rinsing and repeating.

I totally broke my ass on that sign while trying to read it.
I broke it again on the second sign, too.

Bloodfuckers: A Twilight Viewing Party Liveblog

Since everything Twilight is still red-hot right now (err...right? Plagiarism accusations [false as it turns out], who Robert Pattinson is dating--this shit pollutes my Insider and Entertainment Tonight alla time, stealing precious airtime from Donny Osmond, Susan Boyle and Octomom, and apparently for Entertainment Weekly it's news every time one of the stars farts) we're doing another of our classic pointless liveblogs.

We're watching it on Blu-Ray so as not to miss any of the awesomeness and it's BD Live-enabled, which makes me wish we could watch it with some random lonely teenage girls but all of Jason's girlfriends were busy tonite.


Rated PG-13 for some violence and _a_ scene of sexuality...

Jason: I can only make it through one scene of sexuality before getting really sleepy and disinterested.

Movie starts...

Jenni: Shh don't tell the guys, but I will just be randomly saying "vampire" throughout the movie (like in the trailer) to annoy them.

Jason: Ugh. (Because he thinks Jacob is Ug, which he is.)

The ugly kid who plays Jacob says, in the movie, "We used to make mudpies when we were little."

Steve: Is that a euphemism? Probably for anal.

Dude just said "Chillax"

Steve: Did he just say chillax?

Jason: That's stupidiculous.

Jason: This is a very accurate depiction of what high school in Washington is like. OK, also, wherever this school is, there wouldn't be black kids. There are no black kids in the woods in Washington.

Jenni: I still think it's silly that these vampires go to high school.

Steve: And they all look 30. I don't think the cops are going to pick them up for truancy.

We're at the part where Bella sits next to Edward in science class and he's acting like he's gonna barf.

Jason: This is shot like a fucking Mexican telenovela, with the close-ups and the staring.

Steve: Maybe tomorrow you'll take a shower, bitch.

The golden onion (um, this teacher has a golden onion)

Steve: Good thing it's not garlic.

Jason: So they play Quidditch with that, right?

Steve: Now she looks like she wants his cock real bad.

The only black kid in town almost hits Bella with his car.

Steve: You'd think the only black kid in town would be more careful with that shit.

Edward says "Bella, we shouldn't be friends."

Steve: Fuck buddies?

Jason: Why do vampires all have such great hair? They all have fancy hair.
Jenni: Well. Hm. Hair is dead, vampires are dead. There's a connection there, maybe?

Lunchroom hotness:

Edward: What if I'm not the hero. What if I'm the bad guy.

Jenni: Even better.

Bella: Why don't we just hang out?

Jason: ...of our clothes.

Bella: Everyone's going to the beach. Come.

Jason: ...in my vagina.

Bella: I mean, have fun.

Jason: In my vagina.

Edward: Which beach?

Bella: La Push.

Jason: ...La Push la penis in la vagina.

At the beach, the longhaired Indians walk up.

Steve: Seriously, is there a barber on the reservation?
Jason: They have long hair, that's how you know they're Indians.

Flashback to the past with the Cullens hunting in olde-tyme clothes

Jason: I'm glad they're all hunting in their finest Little Rascals gear.

Guy in boat with red cap and green shirt is being stalked by a vampire.

Steve: Not child molester Santa!

Bella and Edward talk to Bella's gal pals outside the restaurant. Edward: I think I should make sure Bella gets something to eat.

Jason: Cock.

Edward: If you'd like. I'll drive you home myself.

Jason: I'll drive my cock into you.

Jenni: I'll let you work the stick shift.

Bella: Yeah, I should eat something.

Jason: Cock.

Jenni: I've got some homemade cream sauce you can try.

Bella's dad gives her a can of mace or pepper spray or something.

Jenni: That's the weirdest dildo I've ever seen.

Steve: I thought it was lubricant.

Edward is making Bella say he's a vampire. He's forever 17 (my second-favorite mall store).

Jenni: That's awesome. Eternal jailbait.

Edward: Say it.

Jenni: On my cock.

Edward takes Bella up the mountain.

Jason: Super fast piggyback ride! Sweet!

Edward reveals his glitter skin. Edward: It's the skin of a killer.

Jason: Or a West Hollywood party boy.

Edward: I was born to kill.

Jenni (for Bella): I was born to suck cock. I don't see a problem here.

Edward tells Bella he wanted to suck her blood sooooo bad. Edward: I wanted to kill you. I have never wanted a human's blood so much in my life.

Jason (for Bella): Suck on my tampon.

Edward is explaining that Carlisle has super restraint for not totally sucking the blood out of people including himself.

Steve: So Carlisle is an expert at pulling out.

Jason: Yeah, but he squirts the blood all over their face or back.

Bella's dad's Indian friend comes to visit.

Jason: Wait, so that's a wheelchair werewolf?

Steve: If he becomes a werewolf can he actually walk?

Jenni: No, but his wheelchair is furry.

Jason: It's like those dogs who don't have back legs and have wheels instead.

Edward and Bella are relaxing in her room.

Steve: So if he breaks her hymen, would he just go nuts?

Jenni: No. She's probably had her period so he's smelled her blood already.

Steve: Yeah, but hymen blood is the freshest, most pure blood.

Jenni: What? No, it isn't.

Steve: If his penis a vampire, too, and it would just drink the hymen blood?

Jenni: No.

Steve: Where does the blood for a vampire boner come from? Does he have to feed right before he's going to do it?

Jenni: Not if his vampire dick can just drink up some fresh hymen blood to keep it going.

And then the bad vampires show up and there is just not a lot of room for dick and hymen jokes. Kind of sad.

Bella checks her pepper spray outside the ballet studio.

Steve: Is there garlic in there?

Jenni: And holy water.

Jason: Yeah.

Jenni: And nun's piss. I'm pretty sure nun's piss is deadly to vampires.
So the prom. Jacob's all in love with Bella, too.

Jenni: Vampires, werewolves--Bella's like a Halloween hoochie. The books might have been better if in each book she got a new monster to fall in love with her. I only read the first one (I know, I know--eeew) so maybe that does happen.


Yeah, so that movie wasn't actually all that bad. Not super good or nuffin' but we've watched way, way worse.

Jason: That was beautiful. Don't type that.

R.I.P. Bea Arthur

It's been a while since I've posted a celebrity obituary, but today's passing of Bea Arthur really hits home with me. The huskiest of The Golden Girls has the same birthday as me, so whenever I'd check the celebrity horoscopes, I'd know I'd be having the exact same day as Bea. Or if Entertainment Tonight was listing the celebrity birthdays, I'd know that both Bea Arthur and I could have a free meal at Denny's together on the same day.

Bea Arthur
Actress, Golden Girl
May 13, 1922 - April 25, 2009

Thank you for being a friend

So now on my birthday (it's coming up in a couple of weeks, ladies), I'll have to make due with getting into Disneyland free with only Harvey Keitel, Stevie Wonder and Robert Pattinson. I know! Robert fucking Pattinson! While researching Bea Arthur, I just found out that Twilight boy and I were born on the same freakin' day! So, even though today is sad because Bea is gone, it's sorta happy early birthday to me, 'cuz, like, Robert fucking Pattinson!

Happy Earth Day

My iPhone Can't Take No for an Answer

The auto-suggestion function of the iPhone is supposed to be helpful by offering up words you might've meant to type based on letters that are a key away from what you've actually typed.

Sometimes, though, the auto-suggest just gets it all wrong in a Three's Company sorta way. Try typing "especially." By the time you're four letters in, Mr. iPhone thinks you really want to be tweeting about "rape":

No matter how many times I insist that I'm typing in "especially," my iPhone won't take no for an answer and keeps auto-suggesting the word "rape" instead.

Springtime Photos

It was a nice day today, so I took some new photos this afternoon:

Bird in a Tree


Ice Cream Man


The Mushroom Kingdom


Poolside with Hef


The Sandman


Whack-a-Mole


Ratatouille


LOST


Pikmin

Someday, This Minority Woman Will Have the Hots for Young Dudes

I got this unfortunately worded postcard in the mail today from my university. My old alma mater happens to have a cougar for a mascot. Also, my old alma mater doesn't happen to be DeVry or the University of Phoenix. I just happen to be real good at gun repair and paralegalese.

Attention, Cyberstalkers: Jason's Next Art Show

Dear Cyberstalkers,
I'm participating in BoredLA.com's upcoming art show, "Underwater Is Where the Action Is." The opening reception is Saturday, March 7th from 7pm to 11pm at the Ragazzi Room in L.A.

There will be live music, a DJ, food, drinks and some live art demos. Basically, it'll be a very public event, so it's not ideal for abducting me if you're that sort of cyberstalker. Also, if you happen to be that sort of cyberstalker who wants to kidnap me, I'm actually gonna be somewhere else that night so maybe look for me across town or something.

If you're not a cyberstalker or if you're a harmless cyberstalker, please check out the art show. Otherwise, thanks in advance for not raping me.

Sincerely,
- Jason

Bale Privilege

Esteemed actor and Batman-about-town Christian Bale had a bit of a bad day on set while shooting Terminator: Salvation, and ripped into the Director of Photography or an Associate Director--well, someone named Bruce got tore the fuck up. Hopefully you've had the pleasure of listening to Mister Christian's rant, but if not, you really owe it to yourself to take a listen. And kudos to the creator of this clip for setting it to a pic of Bale's character from American Psycho.



The man knows his way around the word "fuck," and I likes me a man who knows his way around the word "fuck." For serious, I want Christian Bale to be my new best friend, which I said today to Jason, my actual best friend, as I listened to this.

Now from the small amount I know about show bidness, show bidness people, and the like, I have to deduce that this type of fuckstorm is all too common, they just don't usually let the sound guys capture it and it tends not to get out because of Hollywood magic and shit. Also, from all accounts, Christian Bale seems like maybe he has a touch of a temper.

With that in mind, here are some select things Christian Bale has probably screamed at members of the cast and crew from past productions he's been involved in. See if you can guess the flicks!

"Larry, you fucking twat. I specifically asked for half-and-half, not non-dairy creamer. Be a fucking professional for once in your life. Next time this happens, I'll shove a Batarang so far up your ass, you'll taste The Joker's greasepaint."

"Fuckass ball mittens, are you fucking kidding me with this fucknugget asshole-ass line reading, Winona? Have some respect for your fucking craft. You really are a very small woman, with an even smaller talent."

"I'm going to skullfuck the next fucking cockknocker who asks me what the fucking dragon's motivation is. Do I have to prepare for everyone? It's a fucking dragon, even I'm not that fucking method."

"Who the fuck do I have to blow around here to get a fucking newsboy cap that doesn't make me melon look like a bleeding ballsack?"

The 2nd Scariest Thing with the Initials "VD"

Happy Valentine's Day! That dreaded holiday is coming up in two weeks, so I've lovingly created some Heart Day cards for you to give to your honey-wunny or that special person you've had your high-powered binoculars set on.

You can check out our previous Valentine's Day cards and posts by clicking here.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Visit our new spin-off blog at prestochange.blogspot.com!

If you're like us, then you're super excited that there's a new sheriff in town. No, not Ray J--President Barack Obama!

You've probably heard that Prez-O* is all about the change. Well, seriously, you have no idea how much change one good man can make happen. Lucky for you, your Hands in the Air crew is on the case.

Since we're so good about updating this blog, we thought it was time to do another one, and focus solely on all of the fantastical change our new commander-in-sheez is bringing to the world.

So get reddy, America--it's time for Presto Change!

Xoxobama,

Jenni




*Yes, I'm going to give our awesome president the full-on Hands in the Air treatment, including stupid nicknames, while posting on this blog. Why? It's called patriotism. LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT, HIPPIES.

Happy Chinese New Year 2009

Year of the Ox

Today is the start of the Chinese New Year and I'm not sure what the Year of the Ox has in store, but I did get this fortune over the weekend:

Fortunes about cunnilingus seem horribly inappropriate for a restaurant to be serving up. You don't even need to add "in bed" to the end of this one.

You Might Have to TiVo 90210 Tonight

Season premiere tonight!

Dude, that smell totally wasn't me. I think the island had some sorta "movement."

R.I.P. Ricardo Montalban

I know I'm a little late on this. I started drinking Fantasy Island-style tropical drinks in tribute to Ricardo Montalban, and the next thing I know, it's Sunday.

Ricardo Montalban
Actor, Mexican fantasy-fulfiller
November 25, 1920 - January 14, 2009

Mr. Roarke won't have to fight the devil where he's going.

There have never been many Hispanical role models out there for impressionable Hispanical young'ns, though it seems back when I was a kid there were actually more in the entertainment industry than there are now. Rarer still was a Mexican role model for my little Mexican ass. It was like, him and Speedy Gonzales.

Ricardo Montalban was everything you'd want in a role model. While handsome and charming in his younger years, he aged like a fine tequila, cutting such an impressive figure that he was tapped to play a genetically superior superman who conquered a fair amount of the Earth and the similarly superhuman owner of a magical island who can grant wishes to his guests (for a price, momma didn't raise no fool--though I swear he gave the money back a lot to the more "deserving" guests or maybe I'm remembering wrong). And he was pretty damn believable in both roles.

Adios, Senor (Senior, Senior)!

Whoa, That's a Fat Squirrel

Squirks is funny. Whut's he does? Dunno.

R.I.P. Eartha Kitt

Eartha Kitt

Singer, actress, Catwoman from the Batman TV series (1967 - 1968)
January 17, 1927 - December 25, 2008
You've probably heard her song "Santa Baby" some time today...

R.I.P. Bettie Page

Bettie Page
Pinup Girl
April 22, 1923 - December 11, 2008

Last Christmas Music Video

I had my eye on a sexy reindeer turtleneck sweater for you, but instead I'm giving this to you for Christmas. It's my second annual stop-motion music video for the holidays, and you can also watch my video opus from last year by clicking here. For this year's production, I've recorded a cover of Wham's "Last Christmas."

That's me singing and playing all the music, with a vocal assist from Jenni and Steve on the chorus. After a week of recording, the song morphed into a cross between Wham's original version and the Jimmy Eat World cover.

I can see why Jimmy Eat World stuck with singing just the chorus because I couldn't sing those breathy verses like George Michael without severely hurting my jingle bells (comedy tip: a "roasted chestnuts" joke would've worked well here, too). Anyway, I have George Michael to thank for challenging me with his melodies. I'd thank Wham's Andrew Ridgely, too, but I'm not sure what that guy really did in that band besides rock a badass mullet. I think he might be on the Sidekicks World Tour 2008 with Oates or Biv and Devoe right now, though.

In any case, I had to rework the melody for the verses and the song ended up with a retro, surfy feel.

For the video part, it took me about three weeks to photograph and edit everything. Jenni and Steve gave me an early Christmas gift of a portable lighting studio, so that made the shoots easier, which is good since I ended up stringing together well over a thousand unique photos.

Enjoy this 7-minute video epic, share the permalink and the cheer, and maybe I'll get you that sexy reindeer sweater next Christmas.

Twit Wit

You might think microblogging is stupid. Okay maybe it is. Maybe all blogging is stupid, at least the way I do it.

But sometimes, it's also awesome.

Here are my poetic, damn-near epic posts from today on the Twitter:

I had an espresso truffle at Starbucks, a drink that has a candy name because it is basically liquid candy. I am so high right now.

Coming down from espresso truffle high. Very much like a scene from Trainspotting. My forehead might blow wide open.

Seriously I think I might puke chocolate coffee out of my nostrils and eye holes.

It's in my blood and it's making my veins dance. I am not coming down after all. This shit should be regulated by the gubment.

I am now at a higher frequency than the rest of you. You all look like you're moving in slow motion.

I think maybe I'm existing in at least one or two additional dimensions. I feel them, anyway. Chococoffee demon, what have you done?

Espresso truffle: doorway to dreamtime or Oz or Wonderland or some shit. I am remembering the future and have on some truly bitchin' shoes.

I couldn't even drink the whole thing. A whole espresso truffle would probably Benjamin Button my ass. I would have a baby ass.

What if I drank the rest? It's still on my desk. Cold coffee chocolate elixir. I would either die, or spontaneously evolve, like a Pokemon.

Now just imagine getting that in dribs and drabs, all day long. Yep, it's just that good. Better than half the shit on cable, and it's free! For serious, how could you not want to hear all about my incredible adventures with controlled substances, my bitching about people in my office building, or my "witty" observations? You know you do. It's ok. We all do. I go back and read them just to remind myself of how frakkin' sweet, full and rich my life is. My life is like that cake you make with cake mix and Jell-O, and you poke the cake and then there are like Jell-O stripes in the cake and maybe mayonnaise-based frosting or Dream Whip for frosting, something like that.

Also, follow Jason because he's glamorous like Fergie and slightly more Fergalicious, if you can believe it.

You could also just read the Twitter things we have in our sidebar, but that's just there to entice y'all to follow us follow us. Just sayin'.



P.S., I am still thinking about having a baby ass. I guess if your ass is a baby ass, you have to wear diapers. But is it also small like a baby's ass, or is it adult-sized but just silky smooth and unable to control the pee pee and poo poo flow? I don't know, man. If I have another espresso truffle, I might find out.