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Thursday, August 10, 2006

Great Ball o' Fire

For much of my adult life, I have made a study of badassitude. You see, I was born a badass, and I am proud of it.

All the world loves a badass, but I don't just want to love the badasses around me, or the badass that is me. I want to understand badassitude, I want to cultivate badassitude, I want to celebrate badassitude. Badasses deserve their time in the spotlight, too.

Though true badassitude is rare, you can find it in many surprising places.

Now, I don't know this little fella's name, but I can tell you this: little yellow computer-generated fire hat dude is BADASS. Look at his face. There's like, 85 emotions in there at once. He's concerned, but he's also a little pissed at you for having to be reminded about this shit. He is serious, but he is playful--goddammit, his eyes are playful.

He is raw power in a rotund, jaundiced, hatted package. You can smell the baditude on this mofo a mile away. You can taste it on your lips.

He's so badass, he doesn't need a name. Or a body. Or a firehose. He puts out fires (and gives safety lessons) through sheer force of motherfucking badass will. If he thinks too hard about putting out fires, the sun will go out and then we'll all be fucked. Do not make him think too hard about putting out fires, I am not in the mood to freeze to death.

Possibly the greatest thing Mr. badass fire hat yellow guy has ever appeared on is sadly not available on the internet, and I keep forgetting to bring my camera to try to take a picture of it from a moving car on my commute home, but I will try to convey the subtle beauty and force-of-nature-level impact of it. Our stoic, fire-hatted hero is placed in the center of a rippling turquoise background; ah, yes, it's the water in a pool. Arranged around him, the stirring slogan: "Children drown without a sound." And then there's some other stuff on there but I forget what it says. Something about installing fences around your pool or hiring a lifeguard or some shit.

Young, pre-fire hat badass before he learned all about fire safety.

Unfortunately, I cannot give you the pleasure of first encountering him in this setting, but this is how I first met the badass fire mascot, and I think you can understand why he's affected me so deeply. Here is a fire mascot, a bit top-heavy but undeniably masculine, dignified in his fire hat, clearly a symbol for stopping, dropping, and rolling--and he's concerned about water-related safety, and children. Is there no end to his heroism? I don't know where he keeps his heart, but it must be enormous. There are lifeguards and whoever teaches people how not to accidentally kill their children to deliver this message, but no, that's not good enough for him. He needs to get involved on a personal level. Fuck, now I'm weeping.

Damn badasses get me every time.


Jason said...

I hear that the fire-hatted badass was so badasstic toward other bouncy ball characters that not even everyday low prices can make the Wal-Mart happy-face mascot smile anymore. You can't "roll back" baddassery.

jenni said...

That's funny, when I first composed the post I had "The Wal-Mart mascot is a punk-ass bitch" in there but I took it out.

LAFD Media and Public Relations said...

What can we say?

Respectfully Yours in Safety and Service,

Brian Humphrey
Public Service Officer
Los Angeles Fire Department