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Monday, August 21, 2006

Snakes in a Hissyfit

Boo! Hiss! America, you've let me down. After all the nationwide rallying behind Snakes on a Plane, New Line Cinema finally delivered the exact reptilian kick-assery you asked for, but most of the country didn't even bother to show up to see it on opening weekend. The movie's internet fanbase would lead you to believe that the film would premiere at more than a disappointing $15.2 million, but it's like someone switched the marquee to say Pulse or Step Up or "also starring Rob Schneider."

The snakes on a plane find out the in-flight movie is "You, Me and Dupree"

So maybe snakes aren't the creepiest thing to ride in a plane now that John Mark Karr has flown stateside, but the movie is still hands down the most exhilarating flick of the summer. The film's true genius, however, lies in its ability to reveal how overrated the power of the internet really is. Surprise -- MySpace friends don't translate into actual people who'd really like you in person, home movies still suck when they're on YouTube and web darling Dane Cook is even more unfunny in real life.

But strangely the internet hype was right about Snakes on a Plane -- it's one of the best movies of the year, and here's why:
  1. Snakes bite people everywhere you want to see a snake bite someone (Yes, there. And there.)
  2. Snakes pop out of everywhere on a plane that you'd want a snake to pop out of
  3. Samuel L. Jackson does his trademark badass speech and isn't promptly eaten by a shark
  4. Samuel L. Jackson doesn't play a Jedi
  5. It's a movie about herpetology, and that just sounds funny
  6. It makes for fun theater pranks like this
The only shortcoming for Snakes on a Plane was that there was a kickboxer on board who didn't actually get to kick any snakes, and there was a GINORMOUS snake on board that didn't get enough screen time to get kicked. Oh, and you couldn't even be bothered to see it yet. To paraphrase Sam Jackson, get your motherfucking asses in the motherfucking theater.


jenni said...

Honestly, while I agree that people should see the movie, I'm relieved that my long-held belief about people on the internet was dead-on.

That long-held belief? Oh, that they're not real. It's robots typing on computers. And they can't go to movies or then the world would know their metallic, oil-stained secret (and now that Dane Cook stuff makes a LOT of sense, doesn't it?). In a way, I pity them, 'cause Snakes on a Plane is a good movie, and they had to wait a minit until the one robot with the human suit could bootleg the film and put it on a file sharing service, and you know robots do a shitty job framing the scenes right, and they eat popcorn so loud you can totally hear it.

That's another of my long-held beliefs, that robots do all the bootlegging in the world (except for that one time Rerun got caught bootlegging a Doobie Brothers concert). Think about it. I am on to something.

Anonymous said...

more people still should have gotten off their couches to see it though! i was there opening day, early matinee, and it was worth every penny.