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Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Comic Belief

The leaders of the African nation of Guinea-Bissau have learned that Whoopi Goldberg can trace most of her ancestry back to tribes indigenous to their country--and yes, they're thinking what you're thinking: "How can they cash in on this shit?" For truly, what poor African nation hasn't benefited from being the ancestral home of vaguely famous American comedians-cum-center squares?

This is Yasmin, of Bratz Babyz fame. She can trace her ancestry pretty far back--her family tree includes a mermaid who used to herself be a slutty baby mermaid, a slutty tuna and a slutty barrel of oil.

Exactly. Cottage fucking industry in the Africa. Drive down the main thoroughfare in any African city and you'll be sure to encounter dozens of waifs waving maps to stars' tribal homes. You can't throw a "We Are the World" CD without hitting one of millions of huts purporting to be Michael Jackson's forefathers' stomping grounds. Just kidding, they only do that for Black celebrities.

One of the best parts of the story is that the Guinea-Bissauans have only the vaguest idea of who Whoopi Goldberg actually is (and you thought there was no upside to living in the Third World) and so they addressed her as "Your Excellency Hoppy Goldberg" in their letter to her, asking her to visit and, you know, let her fat American ass leave a slime trail of money all over their country.

Yeah, so, after seeing this story, I linked Jason to it. And the gods of AIM comedy did smile upon the conversation:

Jenni: This story wants to be a TV movie, Oprah special, and, of course, Successories poster.
Jason: Yes. I loooove Hoppy Goldberg.
Jenni: Don't we all.
Jenni: At the end, one of the locals says she's pretty.
Jenni: Clearly, a nation impoverished even in beauty.
Jason: Yeah. It's hard to know true beauty when movies like Sister Act haven't filtered down to you yet.
Jenni: She's the first person who ever had one of those African scam letters crafted specifically for her. Pity she didn't get it.
Jason: I hope they adopt her. It's like reverse Angelina or Madonna.
Jenni: I'm confused by their reasoning, tho. Hoppy Goldberg's ancestors are from now the whole nation will be famous?
Jenni: Do people want to see the ancestral Hoppy Goldberg home in some godforsaken place?
Jason: Hmmm. Confusing mixed messages. Maybe Chris is from Guinea-Bissau, too.
Jenni: Perhaps.
Jenni: Where's the detail in the story where the reporter notices the country is too poor for anyone in it to have eyebrows?
Jason: A whole country of people with black lips and no eyebrows.
Jenni: No wonder no one goes there.
Jason: That, and they didn't start showing Burglar and Jumping Jack Flash until recently.
Jason: Crap, we should totally be talking heads on those E! shows...
Jenni: I'll say.
Jason: Save this conversation and paste the transcript into the blog for an instant story.
Jenni: Yeah we should do that more.

We're actually having headshots taken so we can be talking heads. I mean, hell, if we're this funny off the cuff while working...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

And don't forget Made in America, Bogus (It was) and of course the best as Guinan in Star Trek TNG...maybe they getting SciFi over across the pond, now.