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Monday, July 10, 2006

As a Matter of Fact, I Am Feeling Sinister

Steve, Jason and I went to a truly great show at the Hollywood Bowl last week--Belle and Sebastian with the L.A. Philharmonic, and the opening act was The Shins. The music was incredible. The crowd, not so much. When we first sat down I surveyed the joint and said "Who knew Belle and Sebastian fans were all people I want to beat up?"

To justify the taking of the cute picture, here are the top five things I hate about going to concerts:

5. The Concessions
Yeah, the food and drinks are always ridiculously priced, but in this case, I'm talking about the t-shirt/poster/sticker booth. Booth singular, unless I somehow missed the others. The Hollywood Bowl was sold out that nite, something like 18,000 fans. How many people do you suppose were manning said singular booth? That's right, three. Needless to say, our impatient asses came home merchandise-free. I guess they don't give a shit if the bands sell t-shirts, but still. Don't have one, then, if you're gonna be all stingy.

4. The WOOOOO! Guy
Doesn't have to be a guy, doesn't have to keep to just screaming "Woooo!" but usually it's a guy screaming "wooooo!" I guess in a crowd of several thousand, there are bound to be multiple woo guys, but somehow, I'm always sitting super close to one of 'em. I could feel his screams in my breastbone. He was that loud. I hope he can't speak anymore but I know he can. Who knew Belle and Sebastian would have a woo guy for a fan?

3. The Talkers
We weren't even in the "good seats" but I know I didn't pay $45 a ticket to fucking talk the entire fucking time, which is what these clowns did. The talkers were friends with the woo guy and they thought he was hilarious. When he wasn't screaming fucking "woo" at the top of his lungs, he was cracking outrageously funny jokes like "I want to marry you" and "I want to have your babies" and "No, up here" and "It was an awkward silence--I had to fill it" (that was post-"wooo").

2. The Phish Dancers
There was only one in my line of sight, but my God, isn't that one too many? It was a Shins/Belle and Sebastian show. What part of that says "Hey French lady (I assume she was French--she just looked French. Sorry, France/Canada, but she did.), how 'bout you kind of aimlessly move your arms and spin around and do weird hand shit like you just ate the biggest Mary J-stuffed brownie of your life?"

1. The Singing Guy
Again, doesn't have to be a guy, but this one was. He was a very stoned, very annoying fan of The Shins. Since the Hollywood Bowl is an outdoor venue, it was very easy to hear this assmarine sing along to The Shins' songs. He sucked, and messed up my experience. Why go to a concert if you're just gonna sing along, and therefore not hear the people you came to see? Man now I want to go back in time and stuff this guy's balls in his mouth. Dear singing guy: you better fucking hope they never invent a time machine because if they do, it's your balls in your mouth. Hope you had squeaky-clean balls that nite, son.


Jason said...

Yes, that was the best B&S show I've ever seen and definitely one of the best shows I've ever attended.

Force-feeding an annoying audience member his own nuts definitely would've made it one of the best shows of all-time. If only there was a Mouthful-of-Ballapalooza.

chris said...

I am the WOO guy.


chris said...

I am the WOO guy.


Marti said...

Chris saud he was the woo guy twice and Assmarine...what's that? I like it though, M