Can't look away from the Oscarnage

As wannabe Hollywood insiders (read: douches in training) it seemed only natural that we should liveblog the Oscars from our unbelievably close perch approximately 22 blocks away from the Academy Awards' epicenter (and one of our favorite Chinese joints, incidentally). Yep, we're close enough to hear the helicopters overhead, then hear them again a moment later on the preshow. Take that, flyover states!

I know some people like it when the latest post is at the top for liveblogging...well, fuck y'all, I'm not gonna do it one way then reverse it for posterity. Deal with it.

5:08 Steve is killing me with his extremely strong opinions on what the ladies are wearing. He's got a bit of the Seacrest in him. I was going to make a penis in ass joke here, but I didn't, becuz the Oscars is classy.

Steve's likes: Jennifer Lopez and Reese Witherspoon's dresses.

Steve's observations on fashion: Cameron Diaz looks like hell. Hate the hair, hate the makeup, hate the dress. The earrings are ok. Reese Witherspoon's hair color is awful, he hates that dark roots with blonde hair look. And he can't believe people aren't calling Nicole Kidman on her bullshit red bow on shoulder disaster. He also hates when people like Penelope Cruz pull their hair back, because a lot of the actresses have too angular features and you really need a softer, rounder face to make that look work.

We've both noticed a lot of people are rocking the cool-toned light brown hair that I've had for a few years now. God you fucking Hollywood bitches, quit fucking copying me!

5:22 Oh Marky Mark, I think we all know why you weren't in a Martin Scorsese film any sooner. He knew that peepee you were showing off in Boogie Nights was fake.

5:24 Did that ugly, wooden broad from Lucky Magazine just call Guillermo del Toro, Alfonso Cuaron and Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu "The Three Amigos?" Oh ha ha three Mexicans at the Oscars, and none with a broom! Delightful. If we cover you in cinnamon sugar, Guillermo del Toro will eat you alive, bitch.

5:31 I'm hating this seemingly Mac commercial-inspired opening sequence. Too long, not cute, is this supposed to be funny? Oh, Helen Mirren (naughty link NSFW), Steve said earlier he'd stuff her ballot box, if you get my meaning. That means he would fuck her.

5:35 Thank God they're spotlighting everyone who's nominated. They really don't get enough credit. Except for this big fucking award show. And the Governor's Ball afterward. And the increased paychecks from the cachet of being nominated. Are there still gift bags? I think there are, they just need to pay taxes on them (wink).

5:37 Jason (who's working right now, ha ha ha sucker) says this year's Oscar theme is "Green Oscars" or something. This is the green Oscars? Hence the arrivals in hybrid cars. Oh, you mean they didn't show that on your TV, either? Yeah. Wicked. I hope you're happy, Al Gore. P.S. I like Ellen's daring dark red velvet pantsuit. The shoes, maybe not. She sort of looks like the red velvet cupcake I had the other day. Ellen is my little cupcake.

5:41 I am having a hard time paying attention to the opening monologue. That Blacks, gays and Jews joke/follow-up Oscar joke was actually pretty funny, tho.

5:45 The first award--Art Direction. Oh, Jason was right, they did shuffle the traditional order of awards. He says because the producers of the show felt the big ones this year are the supporting actor categories that usually lead the show, if they lead with them, people would tune out early. So, there you go. Speaking of Jason, he's on to an early lead in our small Oscar pool, having picked Pan's Labyrinth as the winner.

5:53 Will Ferrel's white man fro is making my girl parts tingle. Or, the bleach I used to clean the bathroom really is as toxic as I thought it might be...since my girl parts are like, so not the only things tingling.

5:55 Jack Black thinks Helen Mirren is hot, too. See, Steve, it's OK I outed you. I like this little comedy song thing. Did I just earn my Hollywood Douche Card? Pwease?!?

5:58 The makeup award goes to Pan's Labyrinth. Jason called it. We now think he was holding out on us, the little bitch. We were at the Silver Spoon (A QT hangout! Douche Card?) filling out our ballot things and we had only one pen and he was all "Wah, I don't know what to pick, you guys go first." Yeah right, you bastard.

6:01 Kids and Oscars go together like peanut butter and jelly...like hamburgers and french fries...hell, like kids and rape scenes. Uh-oh, Jaden messed up, Will is probably okay with that but Jada don't play. None of us picked The Danish Poet for Animated Short. West Bank Story wins for Live Action Short, which Steve and I picked and Jason said would totally not win. Whatev, Jason.

6:13 I think we're all pretty confused about this sound effects choir, including those in the audience. Failed joke? Real thing? Dunno. Oh, well.

6:15 Sound Editing...Letters from Iwo Jima. It is usually a war movie that wins this shit. Sound Mixing...Dreamgirls. I like how they're illustrating what these categories mean with visuals because I'm sure people think it should just be one Goddamn category.

6:22 Supporting Actor. What kind of clip is that from Little Children? Dude comes out of a pool, yelling? Maybe someone doesn't like that dude. Alan Arkin wins. Eddie Murphy is putting on a good face, but I think I caught a microexpression of surprise. Steve is gloating because even tho he didn't pick Arkin, he was certain Eddie Murphy would not win. He thinks we owe him something for knowing that.

I think the bendy people acting out the Best Picture nominees thing is sort of cute. Steve hates them and thinks things like this should be cut, not acceptance speeches. He doesn't get that they have to put on a show. His Douche Card is so not in the mail.

6:36 Hollywood is Al Gore's dirty little bitch. How else can you explain Current TV still being on the air? They're talking about the green Oscars now. Yeah, nothing wasteful about a huge show like this. No way.

6:42 Ellen's a decent host. Oh, who doesn't like insertion of the animated characters into the audience? Oh, look, reaction shots! Ahahahaha. Golly, gee, how did they do that? It looks soooo real. Happy Feet wins the Animated Feature category.

6:45 A tribute to writers. Oh, please, anyone can write. The internet is proof of that.

6:49 What do you think they'll do with that bitchin' crystal curtain? Sparkly.

6:50 Best Adapted Screenplay--they're reading from the scripts over the scene from the movie, then continuing the scene from the movie only. My God, it's like, movie magic. Someone writes this stuff? Even the visual stuff? Get out of here right now. The Departed wins. The announcer person just called Infernal Affairs a Japanese movie. Um. Awesome.

7:00 Costume design. This is nice, having the costumes there. Marie Antoinette wins. Yeah, those are pretty sweet.

7:13 Cinematography. Pan's Labyrinth. Yeah, I have only gotten two right, including this one. I'm sucking.

7:21 Visual Effects. Pirates of the Caribbean. The factoids they're occasionally giving out about the winners are dumb. The winner's joke about being blind and from the Bronx--hilarious! The Bronx sucks! Hah! It makes you blind and unfunny.

7:25 Do they always get foreigners to give out the Best Foreign Language Film award? Because they should. Because they're foreign films. Americans don't see those and don't care. Well, if one had like a lot of boobies in it, maybe. Les Boobies du Matin or some shit. I adore Cate Blanchett's dress. It has boobies in it, that's why I care. The Lives of Others won, in case you do care.

7:33 Has George Clooney had work done recently? He looks fantastic. As fresh and dewy as Abigail Breslin. Jennifer Hudson won. She's pretty dewy, too. Beyonce's reaction shot--the best acting she's ever, ever done. Oh, Jennifer Hudson. That last-minute shout-out to Jennifer Holliday...you're keepin' it for really real, girl.

7:40 A Dancing With the Stars promo just implied that dancing with one fake leg is the "ultimate dance challenge." Or...does that mean she doesn't get to wear the prosthetic leg in the competition? Because I would so watch that.

7:43 The Blood of Yingzhou District wins the Documentary Short category. Steve wonders aloud if they have to let people give speeches for categories nobody cares about. Oh my little Steve. He's so cute.

7:47 Best Documentary Feature. Let's see if Hollywood really is Al Gore's dirty little bitch. Um, yep. An Inconvenient Truth wins. Larry David is a big environmentalist, which is why they cut to him for a reaction shot, in case you're wondering. Show directors do that sort of thing. (That Hollywood Douche Card must be in the mail now.)

7:51 Jason says Ennio Morricone is pissed he's getting an honorary Oscar because he rather liked being in the company of those who were never given an Oscar. I see his point. But truly, he's now in the company of greats like Ben Affleck and Matt Damon (Screenplay), Hoppy Goldberg (Supporting Actress) and the guy who wrote "You Light Up My Life." So. Yeah. Good company either way.

8:08 Babel wins for Original Score. Latino power! That's why I'm the one liveblogging. It's our year.

8:11 Didn't Kirsten Dunst used to have tits? Like, pretty decent tits? Isn't that why white guys (and pretty much only white guys) think she's hot? The tittays? Original Screenplay. They're doing the reading trick, which Steve rather likes. I guess it's nice that they are illustrating some of the--ah--boring-er categories for the plebs and all. Like Steve. Little Miss Sunshine wins. Jason and I are tied at 7 correct guesses each. Steve's rocking in at 5. We are sucking on this one.

8:23 Steve says that losing the Oscar was the kind of loss Eddie Murphy can only soothe by the killing of hookers. Yeah, I think we've all been there. Oh look, Jennifer Hudson's bra appears to be showing a bit. Scandal! Oh no, not a choir. Please, no. Didn't we all collectively get over that in the 90s?

8:28 Melissa Etheridge is also Al Gore's dirty little bitch. She won for Best Song, tho. Upset! You all thought something from Dreamgirls was gonna win, didn't ya? Yeah, we did, too.

8:36 Will Smith is just magical because it looks like at any moment his ears will start flapping, at first like a butterfly and then faster, like a hummingbird, and take him up to heaven where he must have come from. I think that's why America loves him so.

8:40 Kate Winslet is wearing mint green. A couple of broads are. Beyonce was, anyway. Why? It's ugly. Actually, Kate's dress might be closer to a pastel version of lime green. Sage? Whatever, still ugly. Film Editing category. Thelma Schoonmaker. Damn, I shoulda picked her. I thought about it.

8:45 Time for, as Steve calls it, The March of the Dead People. 'Bout halfway thru and James Doohan is winning--God finally beamed him up. Robert Altman, the last person, totally won, but the clapping was subdued throughout, even for people like Peter Boyle. Huh. Green Oscars, you have a lot to answer for. Does clapping for the dead increase your carbon footprint? I guess it must. Damn you, Al Gore!

8:54 Helen Mirren wins Best Actress. Um, why does Meryl Streep dress like that? Like she's a drama teacher or a psychotherapist? Huh? Anyone?

9:04 (Or so.) Forest Whitaker wins Best Actor. Man, what the fuck is he talking about with lifetimes and shit? That whole speech was just...I totally couldn't listen.

9:07 I think everyone in the world knew this was Martin Scorsese's year, including whoever picked the presenters. This Best Director gets a standing O and big cheers from the audience. That's nice, actually. Somehow, I don't think they'll be playing him off as he runs at the mouth in that adorably New Yawk way.

9:14 The Departed wins Best Picture. Final tallies: Steve with eight right and Jason and Jenni tying for the win with a pathetic 11 correct each. Together, we only correctly picked the winners of 15 of the 24 categories.

Hm. Maybe I shoulda told someone I was doing this liveblogging thing, since it's maybe more interesting in the moment. Oh, well.