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Monday, March 27, 2006

Hassled by the 'Hoff

Former Knight Rider and Baywatch star David Hasselhoff sure could use one of those red buoys to bail himself out of the deep trouble he's recently sunken into. With domestic violence claims surrounding him, Hasselhoff's estranged wife Pamela Bach alleges that Dave "grabbed me and pushed me hard into a car."

According to the aforementioned car, however, Bach's claim is untrue. In an exclusive interview, the car has corroborated the Hoff's denial. "David would never hit anyone into my chassis, because he is nothing but... yeeee-haaaaaw," asserted K.I.T.T. while shifting into Turbo Boost. Three seconds and 200 miles per hour later, K.I.T.T. continued, "That's not how David is. You get to know a guy pretty well after he's sat in your bucket seat for a few years."

Artist's rendition of Hasselhoff not being violent

But K.I.T.T. may not be a reliable witness. After his quick rise to stardom in the '80s, K.I.T.T.'s career quickly stalled with the cancellation of Hasselhoff's series, Knight Rider. After several failed attempts to get back into TV (most recently spending all of Season 2 of VH1's The Surreal Life locked in the garage after Vanilla Ice lost the car keys in the swimming pool), K.I.T.T. resorted to selling himself on the streets, renting himself out for "joyrides." K.I.T.T.'s downward spiral eventually led to several questionable appearances on the cover of "Lowrider" and other magazines that feature hoochies squatting on car hoods.

Could K.I.T.T.'s claims be a desperate ploy for attention? Possibly. His statements were carefully timed for his TV comeback as the midseason love interest in Jake in Progress starring Full House's John Stamos, but, sadly, that show was canceled a little too soon.

"This is no publicity stunt," K.I.T.T. asserted as he engaged Stealth Mode. "Oh, crap," he added while dousing his windshield with super high-tech Windex. "I'm like totally late for my appearance at the county fair. Gotta pay the bills. Gas ain't cheap, y'know."

1 comment:

Pete Sticks said...

It's only a matter of weeks before the Knight Rider movie is announced, but sadly they have cast a younger PT Cruiser in KITT's roll.