Free Credit Report dot com SAVES

Free Credit Report dot com is basically your savior. No, really. You will learn so much from their ads, which will save you from three hugely bad situations.

There are three commercials--one with a sobering story of working at a pirate-themed seafood restaurant, one with a sad saga of marriage gone wrong, and one with a tale of car-buying woe. I think the car one is really getting its swerve on at the moment, that's the one I see the most nowadays, tho I hear the restaurant one on the radio a fair bit. I think the marriage one was just too real, you hardly ever see that one and I ain't never heared it on the radio.

So here's what I've learned from each one:


Pirate Seafood

• You will end up in a job you don't like if you're unaware of your credit score.
• You will have to wear clothes you don't like at the job you don't like if you're unaware of your credit score. Those clothes will be quite unlike the clothes you would dress in for the job you actually want.
  
• A hacker can cause you to serve chowder and iced tea wearing clothes you don't like at the job you don't like if you're unaware of your credit score. (Yummy, but sad. Have you seen the faces of people working at Red Lobster? One time, back when they still did Crabby Mondays or whatever it was called when they did all-you-can-eat crab legs, as I was going to the bathroom to barf so I could cram more crab down my throat, one of the servers begged me to kill him because he hated serving seafood so much, as any sane person would. So I suffocated him with crab legs barf and topped him off with some Cheddar Bay Biscuits to make sure his airway stayed blocked. Then I ate 20 more pounds of crab legs. I got a trophy.)
• Hackers can steal your identity, which involves both your credit score and also I think they must take your resume, too, and then they get the high-powered job you were supposed to get and you get the shitty seafood restaurant job they were supposed to get. Goddamn, hackers is good. They steal your fly threads, too, the ones you would have worn but for the chowder-stained pirate costume.
• To sum it up, Free Credit Report dot com can save you from a bad job
  

Car Woe

• Free is spelled "F-R-E-E."
• You can be so unaware of your credit and ability to pay for a car that you can believe you belong in a convertible, SUV or stretch Hummer on your pirate seafood restaurant salary plus tips when in reality, all you can afford is a subcompact POS.*
• Knowing your credit score can magically prevent you from getting a POS car. This one's more implied than stated but I can kind of read the lead singer's mind and that's what he's thinking.
• To sum it up, Free Credit Report dot com can save you from a bad car and will also teach you a fun mnemonic so you never forget how to spell "Free."
  

Marriage Gone Wrong

• You should thoroughly investigate your "dream girl." Chances are her credit is shit and if so, it will impair your ability to get a house.
• Bitches default on credit cards and that is all it takes to ruin you both forever, resulting in your living in her parents' basement.
• Many women, particularly "dream girls," are bad with money, and since that's all that matters, you're better off being a bachelor, and then you can suddenly afford a house with a yard and a dog. Because you couldn't just get a house with only your credit unless you were single. Yeah, sure, you can't even get a car loan, but a house loan, no prob. Plenty of closet space for your pirate outfit and that stupid bitch can wash it for you. The dog, not the dream girl, you're kicking that whore to the curb.
• To sum it up, Free Credit Report dot com can save you from a bad marriage.

I dunno about you, but I can't wait for Free Credit Report dot com's future lessons. I mean, I don't know what else important is actually left, but I bet they do. Like, knowing your credit score couldn't have anything to do with avoiding AIDS or saving the environment...or could it? We'll just have to wait to find out.



*My Dad sells cars and actually, this one is supertrue. People are idiots.

Mario Art

Welcome to the very first Hands in the Air art exhibit! This month, we've taken a break from being completely hoolarious, adorable and bad-ass to create something we hear the mascara-wearing emo kids and granola-lovin' hippies like to call "art." Good thing February is the shortest month, because we can take in only so much frou-frou culture before falling back on our hoolariously adorable bad-ass ways. Plus, the paint fumes were really getting to me.

For our first exhibit, we were "commissioned" to fill a room with art based on Nintendo's Mario games...

"Mario Babies"
By Steve
Ink and crayon (11" x 15")

"Goomba"
By Jenni
Felt and thread (15" x 18")

"Luma"
By Jenni
Pastel (11" x 15")


"Lakitu"
By Jason
Watercolor and ink (11" x 15")

Nine paintings by Jason

"Bombette"
By Jason
Acrylic on canvas (5" x 5")

"Bullet Bill"
By Jason
Acrylic on canvas (5" x 5")

"Boo"
By Jason
Acrylic on canvas (5" x 5")

"Watt"
By Jason
Acrylic on canvas (5" x 5")

"Mario"
By Jason
Acrylic on canvas (5" x 5")

"Sidestepper"
By Jason
Acrylic on canvas (5" x 5")

"Chain Chomp"
By Jason
Acrylic on canvas (5" x 5")

"Shy Guy"
By Jason
Acrylic on canvas (5" x 5")

"Tumble"
By Jason
Acrylic on canvas (5" x 5")

"Commenter of the Month" status goes to the first person who can correctly identify one game for each of these characters.

Liveblogging the Oscars 2008

Once again I am keeping this post in chronological order due to laziness and the fact that we didn't tell anyone that we were doing this. Besides, I am putting times on so you can figure out what's what.

5:26: Yeah so I didn't feel like bothering with the pre-show. I mostly didn't watch it, because it was super boring and sucky.

Tho Regis did just call Javier Bardem "Xavier Bardem" so that was pretty good.

5:30 This is a kind of awful...no, really awful opening. A CG Hollywood with a truck driving thru it, and all types of characters from movies appearing on the streets. The effects don't work for me, and really, neither does the concept. Apparently our governor drives the UPS-style truck that delivers the statuettes. That part, 100% accurate. It's weird when Hollywood lets a little reality enter into the fantasy.

5:33 Jon Stewart makes the obligatory comments about the strike. Out of respect for the writers, I'll strike any comments I have about all this.

5:38 Oh Diablo Cody, way to pay tribute to your stripper past via your Oscar dress.

5:39 Did there really have to be an opening monologue? Couldn't they have taken a pass on it this year due to time constraints?

5:40 Okay, that was actually a good joke about female and Black presidents signifying it's the future in movies.

5:42 I like seeing the sketches for costume design. I LOVE seeing the crazy getups the costume designers often put themselves in. My, but costume designers are unique souls. The lady who did Elizabeth: The Golden Age wins.

Is this bit o' Oscar history (for some reason I started typing "Shitory") with Barbara Streisand is a glimpse of what would have been? Or is it really just 'cause it's the 80th anniversary? Yes to both? I actually like the shitory uh history stuff. Why do I keep typing that? What's wrong with me?

5:48 I like the touch of glimmer in George Clooney's suit.

5:51 The new media joke was cute enough and was that iPhone deal a product placement or whut?

5:53 Well I guess that Get Smart move will be AWESOME just look at the chemistry between Carell and Hathaway! Ratatouille wins Animated Feature.

5:57 Too much blush Katherine Heigl! And when presenting a Makeup award! No wonder you were nervous. The peeps from La Vie En Rose win.

6:08 The Visual Effects category presented by Dwayne "Don't Call Me The Rock, Motherfuckers, I'm a Serious Actor Now" Johnson. The dudes who worked on The Golden Compass win.

6:11 There's really nothing bitchy to say about Art Direction. It's weird, you know, for any movie with any type of budget, I have to feel sorry for the artists who do things like Art Direction, makeup, really everything except direction, writing and acting, because they generally do a good job and then it's in support of a movie like Thirteen Ghosts or some shit. It's got to be kind of shitty to be them sometimes, all that work for what is truly just a big pile of crap. Anyway, the peeps for Sweeney Todd win.

6:15 Supporting Actor. I love the smug look you sometimes get from actors when they cut back to them after showing a clip of their performance during these damn things. How about that look from Philip Seymour Hoffman, like they just listed off the number of starving AIDS babies and grandmothers he saved with the power of his fucking mind instead of just showing some shitty scene from Charlie Wilson's War. I bet he thought he was acting all humble and shit.

Javier Bardem wins. I bet whoever has to transcribe the acceptance speeches is saying "Fuck You Javier Bardem, this is no country for giving a speech in Spanish" right about now. Aww.

6:23 Ahh, so I guess all these history things were gonna be the bulk of the show had the strike continued. Glad that's cleared up.

6:28 Somehow this movie August Rush completely slipped by me. I can't say I feel too bad about that.

6:28 (but later) Brave Owen Wilson presents the Live Action Short Film category. Brave because there are a lot of foreign names and whatev, but also becuz he tried to kill himself or something but he still gets up there and does it, man, he's doin' his thing. Some dude with some movie about Le Mozart des Pickpockets wins.

6:32 Animated Short Film...is it me or is there a Peter and the Wolf thing like every few years? I feel that's true with nothing to back it up. It wins, anyway.

6:35 Best Supporting Actress. What the hell kind of reaction was Ruby Dee giving there after her clip played? She looked, as the British say, "gobsmacked." Or something. Tilda Swinton wins. There are a lot of one-armed dresses in effect this year. Hers is very scary and frumptacular. Her speech is pretty good tho, with the Batman suit joke and whatev. Also, she is so extra white. Amazingly, brilliantly white. Skeery.

6:46 You know who isn't hot? James McAvoy. You know who else? Josh Brolin. I am LOVING these images of most of the nominees typing to show that they were writing the scripts for Adapted Screenplay. Joel and Ethan Coen win.

6:51 John Travolta says "Hither to this point." Which, I mean, who talks like that? And then someone, I don't know who, says "I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you" which is one of my least favorite things that people say. I really hate that.

6:53 Miley Cyrus!!! For the kids in the heezy!! You know she just legally changed her name to Miley Ray Cyrus (from Destiny Hope Cyrus). The "Ray" is a tribute to her daddy. Or whatever. You know what's a better tribute to your daddy? Keeping the fucking name he gave you.

Note to self: change name.

7:03 The Bourne Ultimatum peoples win for Best Sound Editing. Rad ponytail, sound editor dude!

7:05 Look! Sound Mixers at work! My GOD that's fascinating! They like, look really intense into space and you can tell they're thinking and really working, man, and then they push things on a board and then they look at each other to say, "Well mixed, my friend. Well mixed." Different Bourne Ultimatum peoples win this one.

7:10 Are people still wearing AIDS ribbons, Julie Christie? Just asking. Marion Cotillard wins Best Actress.

7:18 Wii product placement? Colin Farrell glides onstage like the graceful Irish pixie he is to introduce Irishy song stuff.

7:23 Is anyone else tired of Jack Nicholson or is it just me?

7:30 The Bourne Ultimatum dude wins for Editing.

7:42 Those at least partially Irish peeps win for the song from Once. I missed a couple of awards, I think. Suck it up. I have a life, you know. Stop riding my ass, geez. Go here to see a full list o' stuff: Oscar.com

7:57 That's nice that Jon Stewart let the Once chick finish her thank-yous.

8:00 Dude for There Will Be Blood wins for Cinematography. Hey, if they wanted me to know their names they'd be better looking and would do something important, like speak lines other people write.

8:09 Original Score: Atonement dude wins.

8:13 The nominees for Documentary Short are trying to act like it's an honor for these soldiers to be presenting their award but inside they are seething. Seething! They wanted at least a Jonah Hill or a Marlee Matlin. Me, I think nobodies awarding to, well, nobodies is kinda appropriate. And now they see Tom Hanks--Tom FUCKING OSCAR WINNER Hanks is giving the full-length documentaries their award. Well, not cool. Taxi to the Dark Side wins for Documentary. (Freeheld won Documentary Short.)

8:25 Diablo Cody wins for writing Juno. I am not so sure if that is a good thing for her career or not. Is it ok to hate her? I forget. I mean not that I hate her, why would I hate her? I love strippers, I love screenwriters, I love brunettes, I love ladies with tattoos of ladies.

I hate her.

Oh just kidding, I'm only jealous. Insanely jealous. I'm jealous of a lot of people. I think that's a sin. Or something.

8:35 Daniel Day-Lewis wins Best Actor. His haircut wins Best Piece of Shit Haircut on a Man Who Can Afford a Good Fucking Haircut.

8:44 Joel and Ethan Coen win Best Director(s). I added the (s). They seem like fun dudes. I hate them, too. Just kidding. (See above, 8:25.)

8:46 No Country for Old Men wins Best Picture. That's nice.

So that's it really. Another Oscars over, thank goodness those nasty writers came to their senses so it wasn't all ruined and shit. Writers are so mean, that's the take home message this year.

Happy Valentine's Day

So it's Valentine's Day, and if you're anything like me, then you're sitting at home alone watching The Notebook with tears in your eyes, pain in your heart and whiskey on your breath. Or maybe not. In any case, to cheer my single self up, I've created some special Valentines to share with the people I love the most -- those entertainment-starved saps who read our blog. Happy VD!

(Be sure to check out my Valentine posts from last year, too.)

Happy Chinese New Year

The Year of the Rat

Liveblogging The American Gladiators Semifinals Round 1

As fans of fine culture, we've been watching the all-new, all-awesome American Gladiators all along, and we kept meaning to liveblog it (yes, we know liveblogging something like this is essentially meaningless but that's Hands in the Air in a nutshell, wouldn't you say?) and now the time has come. I'm dispensing with the time codes on these because it doesn't really matter much and I'm fucking lazy.

We start off in Gladiator Arena with the first two female contenders squaring off in Hit and Run.

It's clear from the tension in the air that both of these women have tasted the sweet nectar that is the Hulkster, and they hate each other for it. This isn't just an athletic contest, it's a fight for the love of one good, muscular, probably bewigged man.

So our main problem with Hit and Run is that most of the players do it wrong, and if they did it right it would be too easy. The gladiators push 100-pound balls at the players, and instead of just waiting or running past, these idiots duck under them, crawling along the plexiglass bridge. Silly. Jason wonders if any of these people have ever played a video game before, and obviously few have because if they did they'd figure out the whole just wait a second and use timing tactic.

Jason: The balls should be on fire. And the gladiators should have guns.

Jenni: This whole thing should be on roller skates.

Jason: The whole show should be on roller skates.

Jenni: Yeah, true.

Jason: Or the gladiators should ride the balls and grab the players.

Jenni: Or the balls could have spikes, at least for the semifinals. Or they should change the bridge, make it really skinny, or grease it, or remove random slats.

Jason: The bridge should move (like a people mover, but fast)

Jenni: Yeah and they have to roller skate against it.

Steve: The pit shouldn't have water in it, it should have spikes, like Mortal Kombat.

Clearly, we should be coming up with events for this show.

And now it's the men's turn. Touching shit: the small blond man is doing this for his dead mother. And the small dark haired man is doing this for his fellow firefighters and all the firefighters who have ever died in New York, or the world, something like that.

Jenni: Oh, yeah, that's great, I bet the dead people are really touched. There was a conference call up in heaven--all right everybody, listen up--we've got two brave young men down on earth who are dedicating their American Gladiator runs to a few of the dead up here. What an amazing, meaningful gesture. There were tears in heaven that day, I'll tell you that.

Power Ball. Jason says the gladiator Titan is called that because that's what happens to his pants when he's with these men.

A bug pops up advertising My Dad is Better than Your Dad, and as an aside, I'm pretty sure my dad could totally demolish Jason's and Steve's dads. They disagree. They're ridiculous. I ain't saying my dad's superbadass as much as I am saying that their dads are sort of creampuffs. We're an athletic family. I'm just saying. I dominate, and I must get that from somewhere, am I right? My mom could also totally take their moms, on the for real tip.

Hang Tough, with the ladies, then the men. Not much happening there, but this is one of the more sexually charged events because the gladiators end up just wrapping their legs around the contenders and trying to get them into the pool. Always looks humpy.

Gauntlet. You can totally tell when the blonde chick gets thru to the end that the artist formerly known as Hollywood Hogan is totally proud that he did this girl earlier, and she feels like she's earned his love. It's pretty touching. The same thing happens with the brunette chick. Amazing. Who will win the affection of Hulk Hogan and the chance to appear on Hogan Knows Best next season? I don't know!!

Joust. Titan keeps wiggling his big Easter Ham thighs in the most sensual way. You know that thing Jason said about Titan earlier? I'm pretty sure it's happening to Steve and Jason right here on our very own couch.

The Announcer and Hulkster say Joust is Titan's house and Titan's Joust. Jason says he imagines Titan's house has nice drapes and doilies in it.

The Wall. Wolf was chasing the blond dude, so he sniffed him before the event. At the end, Wolf did not catch his prey but he did roar right into the camera.

Steve: I was turned on and frightened at the same time. Wolf is mantastic.

Pyramid. When Justice and Mayhem come out, they sort of just jump around atop the squishy blocks and look very much like young ladies at a slumber party. The blond guy actually started laughing at them and so did we. By the way, the blond dude is wearing some very supportive underwears, and is sporting a bit of a pyramid of his own, if you know what I mean. He also talks like he's on speed. Jason says he should thank his dealer for his great performance in the game.

As the men get ready for the Eliminator, the brunet firefighter is doing this weird bouncy waist and hip thrusty stretch move. What was he doing?

Jenni: That's known as the fireman's pelvic stretch. He's getting his "hose" ready.

Jason: What do you want to bet that Titan is down there, just out of the shot?

I sort of just stopped then, I mean, Steve and Jason said some other things that were probably funny in there but I was getting really hungry and not really paying attention. I'm a bad lady. Maybe they could edit in some of their comedy if they see fit. Or not. I dunno. The blond guy and the brunette lady won, in case you were wondering.

Tales from the Personals: Chapter II

It's time for the second installment of Tales from the Personals, our comic strip reenactments using the lovelorn words from the missed connection ads found in the classifieds. Chapter II is another "I Saw U" ad from Seattle's The Stranger, and, again, it doesn't really make much sense. Love is cwazy. Happy Valentine's month!

Click on each page to Viagra-size it for enlarged reading pleasure.For more comic strip fun, check out our E-Mail Theatre.

Found a good personal ad that should be reenacted in Tales from the Personals? E-mail it to us at handsintheairmail@gmail.com!

Tales from the Personals: Chapter I

Welcome to the first installment of Tales from the Personals, word-for-word reenactments in comic strip form of ads ripped from the personals section of the weekly birdcage liner. Chapter I is taken from the pages of Seattle's excellent local rag, The Stranger, which features an "I Saw U" section for singles who want to reconnect with randoms they didn't have the guts to ask out the first time around. Thanks to the classifieds, social wimps can pretend they've grown a pair of balls!

This first chapter of Tales from the Personals is about a missed connection on the ski slopes. I'm not sure who wrote it, but it makes absolutely no sense. Enjoy!

Click on each page to enlarge it for reading and to bask in its full-size glory.Found a good personal ad that should be reenacted in Tales from the Personals? E-mail it to us at handsintheairmail@gmail.com!

7 Hours of Stand-Up: Dane Cook Sets Endurance Record for Being Unfunny

Until this past Wednesday, comedian Dave Chapelle held the record for performing the longest stand-up routine of 6 hours, 12 minutes, but Dane Cook managed to best the time this week with a 7-hour lame-a-thon consisting of the overwrought hipster-babble he likes to pass off as "jokes."

Whether you're enduring the non-side-splitting comedy of Dane or waiting in line at the DMV, seven hours is just way too long of a time to be doing something. It's just a long time to be doing anything, really. Hell, I still haven't seen any of the Lord of the Rings movies just because sometimes I have to go pee. Not everyone can last a marathon session with the Tantric mastery of Sting.

In any case, a 7-hour comedy set is a major feat and I'm not going to deny Mr. Cook his record-setting accomplishment, especially since every hour he spends on stage means that's just one less hour he could be trying to film Employee of the Month 2. In the meantime, Dane is now in the record books for being absolutely humorless for the most consecutive hours, a record previously held by such non-comedic brow-furrowers as Steven Seagal, David Caruso, Don Henley, the Pope, the entire cast of The King of Queens and the weekend manager at your local Hot Topic store.

And... time! Damn, that's just about one minute of me being unfunny. Damn you, Dane Cook.

Countdown to 2008

Ring in the new year with Hands in the Air by playing this video at 11:59:20 tonight.



For reference, here are the blogged events of 2007 that are counted down in this video:

10. New York subway samaritan (January)
9. Britney shaves her head (February)
8. Star Wars 30th anniversary (March)
7. 300 (April)
6. Grindhouse (April)
5. Sanjaya (April)
4. Drunken celebrities (May)
3. Larry Birkhead (June)
2. Writers Strike (November)
1. Celebrity deaths (Lily Munster, Iwao Takamoto, Anna Nicole Smith, Kurt Vonnegut, Don Ho, Charles Nelson Reilly, Mr. Wizard, Bob Evans, Ingmar Bergman, Michelangelo Antonioni, Merv Griffin, Kevin DuBrow)

2007 in Review

There are mere hours before we have to retire our Hilary Duff calendar for the year, so it's a good time for me to blog poetic on 2007's best and worst...


Best Comedies of 2007
Pregnancy movies: Knocked Up and Juno, though I actually consider pregnancy movies to be of the horror genre.

Best Semi Truck vs. Fighter Jet Scene in a Movie
Live Free or Die Hard. Strangely enough, it wasn't any scene in Transformers.

Worst Timing Award

• The release of Things We Lost in the Fire just before the California wildfires began
• Lynn Spears trying to publish her book on parenting

Guilty-Pleasure Pop CDs of the Year

• Dignity by Hilary Duff
• We Are the Pipettes by The Pipettes
• Headstrong by Ashley Tisdale
  (But NOT the new album by her fellow High School Musical costar Vanessa Hudgens. Well... I'm not a fan of V-Hud's music album, at least. Her personal photo album, though, is an altogether separate matter.)

Restaurant Jingle of the Year
The Outback Steakhouse song ("Let's go Outback tonight...")
I can't get that damn song outta my head. It's based on "Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games" by Of Montreal, but I actually like the digeridoo'd up version better.

Worst Restaurant Name
Pastagina.
I thought this was a symptom of a really bad yeast infection, but I guess it's just a poorly named Italian joint. But did they really need to use a triangle of spaghetti as their logo?

Other restaurant names to avoid: anything ending in "-esticles," "-lamydia" or "-airy nutsack." Also anything rhyming with "Schmapplebee's."

Best Pregnancies
5. Halle Berry
4. Jennifer Lopez
3. Christina Aguilera
2. Jessica Alba
1. Jamie Lynn Spears

Jessica Alba would've topped the charts if I had posted this in early December, but I ended up waiting. Meanwhile, Jamie Lynn Spears didn't end up waiting. Good thing for this list.


Top Celebrity Jail Sentences
5. Michelle Rodriguez
4. Keifer Sutherland
3. Lindsay Lohan
2. Nicole Richie
1. Paris Hilton

Paris wins for the blazing the trail and serving all the extra days that her other debutards didn't. Turns out that Lindsay's 84-minute jail term was longer than her movie I Know Who Killed Me lasted in theaters. I guess "overcrowding" wasn't the case in those theaters.

Microwave Lovin'

The other day some guys were microwaving a bar of soap. With the lights out. At work.

Now we've all microwaved things we shouldn't, or you know, things that maybe not everyone would appreciate us microwaving, but, at work? I feel really bad for whoever was next to microwave something in there...the entire room smelled of melted soap 'n' perfume, I imagine it might affect your ramen noodles a l'il bit.

In case you don't know, microwaved soap expands into a fluffball and I guess the effect is sort of neat (not plasma-generating grape or cd neat, but neat nonetheless) but this was at work, in a microwave other people expect to be able to burn their popcorn in as is their federally mandated right.

This reminds me of the time I went to microwave something at a different work and this woman was microwave-steam-sterilizing her breast pump accessories and what not. Yes, that's right, she was atomizing her titty drippins into the microwave I used to heat up my leftover pizza and, of course, it was wafting into the motherfucking air I breathe. It was sending out a steady billow of steam and I was like, YUM!

And she'd been breast-feeding for a while so chances are, I accidentally ingested or inhaled that shit. I actually complained to HR for that one. Anonymously, because it was shameful what I saw. Shameful! This woman blacked out her office window so she could breast feed in privacy but thought it was ok to share her steamed boob juices with the rest of us and our community fucking microwave? The same microwave that someone had placed a bitchy sign near, requesting that no fishy, garlicky, oniony or otherwise in any way ethnic or fragrant foods be microwaved there, lest their sensitive noses be bothered by it? Had that signmaker only known someone was blasting nippy squirts in there, too--well. I can't even imagine the signage then. Fuck, I shoulda made a sign.

I can't say that I haven't done somewhat naughty things with a microwave--I destroyed this one slut's Phish CD in a microwave because:

A. She was a slut
B. It was a Phish CD
C. You later
D. I heard it would be pretty

And it fucking was, like those lighted fountains tourists gather 'round to gawk at in your nicer malls, only made of sparks and in a microwave. I guess if you watched the video I linked to you know that, tho.

And this one time, I allowed this very cute boy to "put a bunch of things in my microwave" to "see what would happen," including a cheapie plastic elephant bank which btw does not smell good and yes, you should stop it when the black smoke starts pouring out. We probably both will get cancer some day because of that but you know, it was funny to see the elephant kind of poof out and then start to melt and collapse in on itself. And he was really cute, so, what was I supposed to do--say no? I have a hard time saying no to cute boys, I guess. I'll let them do practically anything to my "microwave."

But anyway all of my microwave crimes were in my own place of residence and did not involve lactation in any way.

And I kept the lights on.

Since Jason has a bug in his butt about end of year lists, I now present my top 5 people I've encountered in the Valley:

5. The guy who parks his kidnappin-ready white van so it creates a blind spot at the end of our street

4. The neighbor who hides behind the columns on her porch to avoid me saying hello to her

3. The same neighbor's kids or grandkids and their friends or cousins or some shit, who kept coming back to trick or treat at our house over and over again, causing us to run out of candy early
2. The other infinite numbers of people who come and go at that house, it's like a fucking clown house--how can that many people fit in one small, one-story house? Anyway, they don't all hide behind columns but none ever will look our way so fuck 'em

1. The person with the blue van totally stuffed to the gills with what looks like other people's mail. What's with the kooky vans???

Silent Knight Music Video

It's a Christmas miracle! Check out the very first Hands in the Air music video. It's my cover of "Silent Night" (with a silent "k" added in honor of Knight Rider's David Hasselhoff) starring the HITA gang, Santa and Jesus in a stop-motion fiasco guaranteed to earn me a lump of coal this holiday. It's also a little more "stop" than "motion." Humbug.



In honor of our music video for a song debuted in last year's HITA holiday podcast (we swear Season 2 will debut in 2008), I'm tacking on my best-of list for albums of the year. We'll be posting more best-of lists in the next couple of weeks, but in the meantime, here is some proper music you should be listening to now that you've endured my holiday song and video...

Jason's Top 20 Albums of 2007
(or, "The 'Where's Radiohead?' List")

20. The Arcade Fire - Neon Bible
19. Calla - Strength in Numbers
18. Of Montreal - Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer?
17. The Besnard Lakes - The Besnard Lakes Are the Dark Horse
16. Jarvis Cocker - Jarvis
15. Rockfour - Memories That Never Happened
14. The New Pornographers - Challengers
13. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Baby 81
12. Albert Hammond, Jr. - Yours to Keep
11. Lily Allen - Alright Then
10. Stars - In Our Bedroom after the War
9. Peter Bjorn and John - Writer's Block
8. Bloc Party - A Weekend in the City
7. Idlewild - Make Another World
6. Trembling Blue Stars - The Last Holy Writer
5. Maps - We Can Create
4. Sondre Lerche - Phantom Punch
3. The Shins - Wincing the Night Away
2. I'm from Barcelona - Let Me Introduce My Friends
1. Band of Horses - Cease to Begin

How Swede It Is

We're suckers for a good promotional website. Or maybe we just like to surf the web for the stuff to do at work other than work. When the boss isn't around, check out the new site for Be Kind Rewind, the upcoming comedy in which Jack Black and Mos Def re-enact famous movies after erasing all the tapes at a video store. They also coin the term "Sweding," which actually has nothing to do with meatballs or Ikea furniture. Instead, to Swede something means to redo something in your own DIY style, which is pretty much what we've been doing with the toy tributes throughout our site. You can Swede yourself at the Be Kind Rewind website, and here are some of our Swede-Ass results...

Jason is Jason X in the Friday-the-13th-in-space movie
and Steve as himself in that hairy feet movie.

What Jenni would do to star in Friday, Next Friday and Friday After Next. Y'know, they really oughta make a sequel to The Day After Tomorrow and call it Three Days from Today.

R.I.P. Quiet Riot Singer Guy

It's the biggest '80s music tragedy since Richard Marx hacked off his mullet: the death of Quiet Riot lead singer Kevin DuBrow last Sunday.

Kevin DuBrow
Quiet Riot lead singer
October 29, 1955 - November 25, 2007

The only way for some '80s headbangers to make it
back into the news is to die. Take note, heavy metal has-beens.
I'm talking to you, Kip Winger and the
dude who sings "The Final Countdown."

Now while your fists are raised at half mast and your heads are bowed at medium-bang for Mr. DuBrow (appropriately rhymes with "da 'fro"), it's worth noting that I haven't posted an R.I.P. tribute in about two months, so I've overlooked some other seemingly noteworthier deaths. Joey Bishop. Norman Mailer. Deborah Kerr. No, the "Cum on Feel the Noize" singer is more in line with our readership. Plus, Pavarotti just couldn't belt it out with the Muppet-pitched ferocity of DuBrow, and mime Marcel Marceau (rest in peace in your invisible box) was just a little too quiet and not enough riot.

Sundae School

Aight y'all. Now this is a church after my own heart. If I thought I could get me a big ol' chocolate shake at church I might consider going once a year or something.

And, of course, another reason this church is one after my own heart is becuz they're obviously saying some bullshit to get people to come in, and clearly they think people are stupid as hell.

The thing is, there are actually websites and books that this church coulda used to do something still incredibly stupid but at least a little more compelling that, yeah, still wouldn't have worked (Are those signs supposed to be advertisements? Because, lame.) but at least people might have chuckled or smiled and thought about God fondly for a minit before they remembered that going to church is way boring and organized religion is pretty much ass.

Chocolate shakes are delicious, tho. Not get my heiney back into church delicious (they'd basically have to offer me the ability to break at least five commandments at a time in some upgraded, sensually padded pews to get me back into church but um I think that kinda defeats the purpose), but pretty fucking delicious.

Amen.

Stop Objectifying My Pretzels!

With Turkey Day around the corner, it's time for me to reflect and give thanks. And what better thing to give thanks for than unintentionally dirty advertising, like this accidental nastiness from Wetzel's Pretzels?

The lunging, circumsized pretzel dog.
The little submissive chef on his knees.
The sting of a salt crystal in the wrong orifice.

Not since the ill-conceived "Cinnabondage" S&M campaign of '98
has a food court promotion generated enough steaminess
to blow up the skirt of cold-fish Auntie Anne.

Here's hoping this won't make you feel forever uneasy when you see a pretzel. At least no more uncomfortable than spending a big dinner with the family. Happy Thanksgiving!

Writers Strike Happens Too Late to Spare Us from Premiere of "P2"

After two months of not writing on this blog, I've decided to return to posting on the very day that the Writers Guild of America strike begins. That's what us writer-types call "irony."

A picture is worth a thousand words...
except when there's a writers strike.

With the exception of Chris, the entire Hands in the Air gang is made up of professional, published writers (a letter in Penthouse Forum still doesn't count as "published," Chris), so we all know how important this strike is for Hollywood's movie and TV writers. And, with the exception of Chris, we'd really rather not get stuck watching reruns of Moonlight and Girlfriends. That's what us writer-types call... um, well, I can't think of a clever word because bloggers don't have union benefits motivating them.

Anyway, here on the Los Angeles frontlines, we're seeing writers rallying against the studios. Instead of writing us good TV and movies, they're out there picketing in their red shirts, which is the color of choice for the strikers. That also happens to be the shirt color of choice for Gay Day at Disneyland, so those picketers in front of Disney Studios might want to be careful which shuttle bus they go home on. Like Jenni told me, "Haven't the writers taken it up the ass enough?"

Happy Day of the Dead

Boo Hoo

I am not a big fan of Halloween. This strikes a lot of people as odd--I guess I seem like the Halloween type, whatever that is. Maybe 'cause it's the holiday all the cool kids have adopted? Perhaps it's 'cause I'm sort of a fan of the macabre otherwise? Something about me dressing in black a lot? Fact: in high school some awful, really ugly guys who were hitting on me and my friend Maureen at the Pizza Hut asked me if I was a goth [uh or whatever it was called at the time] and I said "What? No--why would you ask that?" to which they replied "Uh, I dunno, you just seem like a natural goth." Yeah. Whatever. I hope they're dead or in jail now.

So, right, I'm lukewarm on Halloween. I like candy all right, but you know, you can eat candy whenever. And I don't like begging strangers for candy. I prefer when it's offered out of the back of a van. Guess I'm traditional that way. Anyway, I stopped trick-or-treating pretty early, and instead handed out candy to other kids.

Even now handing candy out to kids is fun, sort of. You know some kids don't say "trick or treat" anymore? They just walk up and stick their bags out. I tend to just stare back at them until it dawns on them that there's a part of the ritual they're missing, or until they walk away. How often do you get to confuse kids that aren't your own? Not very often.

I also really enjoy adults who are trick-or-treating for their babies in strollers. Really? Your baby is going to eat five pounds of candy? Huh. Neat. I bet Britney Spears trick-or-treats for her kids every year and she should totally get her custody/visitation rights back because of it.

Halloween has also sort of become a big event for adults, which I don't exactly remember it being when I was a kid, and, eh, it's sort of sad. Mostly adults seem to use Halloween as an excuse to have a shitty party or go to a bar and get wasted. Do Americans really need an excuse for that? The thing is, kids in costumes are generally adorable. Adults in costumes...unless they're really good costumes...not so much.

Me, I don't really like dressing up for Halloween. I think I might if I had like, a big budget, a great idea, a professional costume designer on call and a lot of time, so I looked like people do in the movies and on TV, with a fancy, elaborate outfit. But, just throwing something together or buying something off the rack generally doesn't turn out all that swell and I kind of hate drawing attention to myself, particularly when I'm wearing something half-assed. Also, I really like me. I don't actually want to be anyone else, even for one drunken, chocolate-smeared night.

You know what I do like, tho? The way the movie channels show a bunch of horror and suspense movies in October. So I guess Halloween isn't, like, that bad. It's just not that great, either. Definitely better than Thanksgiving or the Fourth of July (uh, except you get days off for those, which is sweet) but far inferior to Christmas, the king of all holidays. Sorry non-Christmas celebrators, but it is. It's the fucking best. Jesus may not have hit home runs every time, but Goddammit if his birthday isn't some good-ass shit. Fuck, do I love me some Christmas.


Yeesh, you can tell I haven't blogged in a while. Eh, well. At least it's a post.


As a bonus, I present to you some semi-dirty Halloween-related phrases I thought up while trying to come up with a title for the post, which I realize are all better than what I ended up naming the post, but none of them really worked:

Haloweenis
Prick or Treat
Rumpkin Carving
Crack o' Lantern
All Taint's Day

To Catch an Asshole

NBC loves child predators! LOVES them. Wants to marry them and have all of their little pervy babies and then will watch patiently as those nasty Internet predators seduce them. I have been in Internet blogging for twenty-four years and I have very seldom been at a loss for words.

Okay. Word-loss over. Rant continued.

So how do I know that NBC loves Internet predators? Simple, they are pulling back on, or maybe eventually cancelling the "To Catch a Predator" series of Dateline specials. If reading that made you spout a torrent of four-letter words and racial epithets like a drunken Archie Bunker with Tourrette's, welcome to the motherfucking club.

The cover story is a simple one: they're laying the blame on advertisers who don't want their products associated with legally and ethically vague sting operations orchestrated to boost the ratings of an otherwise lifeless news magazine show on America's number three or four network. But that's bullshit and we all know it. NBC and all of the advertisers who have pulled their support for this groundbreaking series have become enamored with Internet predators, and in fact, may be Internet predators themselves. As Nietzsche prophetically warned, they have become the very monster they sought to fight. The abyss has stared back at them, and it is apparently the warm, cozy genitalia of an underage girl!


Shame on you, NBC. Shame on you!

And we all know that the current "To Catch a Predator" series is rife with product placement. For example:

Mike's Hard Lemonade - Sexed up, underage teens love drinkin' it and Internet predators love supplyin' it.
Trojan condoms - Um, DUH!
Astroglide - I doubt any of the Internet predators will actually need it, but whatever.
Yahoo Messenger, AIM, Windows Live Messenger - Kids and Predators have to meet somewhere, right?

And let's not forget the real victim here. No, I'm not talking about the underage teens who are about to be deflowered now that NBC and its advertisers have turned on them. I'm talking about the stalwart defender of underage genitals himself, Chris Hansen. He was just getting to the point where the predators knew who he was. He was on the cusp of one of them even knowing his name before he said "I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC and we're doing a story on people who try to meet teenagers for sex on the Internet." That man deserves better. Even Oprah gave him the seal of approval.

President of NBC (I don't know his/her name. I could Google it, but now the Internet is full of predators and I don't want to be molested), I hope you come back to your office to find Mr. Hansen and his trusty crew waiting for you, his accusatory stare a proxy for the one the rest of us non-Internet predators are wearing. I hope that, confronted with the shame of your new, perverse desires, your mind scrambles for an answer that will most likely begin and end with "oops." Then I hope you get tazered. Congratulations, Internet predators. You're entering a new, Chris-Hansen-free renaissance--and probably an underage vagina--very soon.

Cock-a-doodle-doo

Jason and I were inspired by seeing Superbad this weekend, so we whipped up a couple of penis drawings to pay tribute to one of the funniest scenes in the movie.



Steve, by the way, still can't see how I can say that Darth Vader's design was based on a penis. The man is blind.

Sorry to anyone who is offended by, you know, dick pictures.

Tho I dunno how you could be because they're totally awesome.

There should just be more penis in this world.

R.I.P. Merv

The creator of two of TV history's most popular game shows died yesterday. With Wheel of Fortune, TV pioneer Merv Griffin revealed that R, S, T, L, N and E were the most important letters of the alphabet. And in the early days of the series back when people had to spend their jackpots choosing prizes from the Wheel of Fortune showroom, Merv made us realize that there were two types of people in this world: those who would put the remainder of their winnings on a gift certicate or account and those who'd prefer to blow the rest of their Wheel wad on a porcelain dalmatian.

Merv also created Jeopardy!, the influential game show that redefined trivia. At the same time, Merv redefined the meaning of "jackass" with the casting of host Alex Trebek. Let's just say that Merv was a gift certificate man and Alex was a ceramic dog kinda guy.

Merv Griffin
TV host/TV icon/Real estate mogul/hot tubber
July 6, 1925 - August 12, 2007

Answer: The tikka-tikka-tikka sound of the Wheel of Fortune wheel.
Question: What does Merv Griffin spinning in his grave sound like right now?