Valentine's Day Tribute, Part 2

Happy VD eve! It's time for the second installment of toy tributes to Hollywood's most famous romantic scenes starring the Hands in the Air gang!

Jenni and Steve in Titanic

Jenni and Steve in Ghost

Jason in Say Anything

Valentine's Day Tribute, Part 1

Valentine's Day is just two days away and the Oscars are coming up at the end of the month, so I'm paying tribute to both occasions by staging a series of toy photo shoots inspired by some of the most romantic scenes in movie history.

I'll post these Valentine's Day Special Toy Dioramas (or "VD-STDs," as I'll call them) each day until Wednesday, because I think sharing my VD-STDs is probably the most intimate thing I can give you for the season. It's a gesture worthy of applause (or "the clap," as I'll call it).

Spend each night with me as I spread my VD-STDs around for Valentine's Day, and share my VD-STDs with someone special in a viral campaign of love!

Spider-Man

Check back tomorrow and on Valentine's Day to see the Hands in the Air gang re-enact some of Hollywood's most romantic scenes!

R.I.P. Anna Nicole

You can't beat fate. Anna Nicole Smith's death is untimely and tragic, but it didn't take a Vegas oddsmaker to predict that she'd be a quick payout for any celebrity dead pool list. The riskier bet would be whether or not her "acting" career qualifies her to make it as a last-minute addition to the Oscar ceremony's morbid yet tasteful "Dead People Montage." Her role in The Hudsucker Proxy might qualify as legitimate filmwork, but her questionable appearances on camera in Skyscraper or Playmates Bustin' Out, might cancel that out.

Anna Nicole Smith

November 28, 1967 - February 8, 2007

Statement of bad taste #302:

So, does this mean her newborn daughter has to get a shoulder tattoo depicting the baby with late brother Daniel and mother Anna Nicole?

Famous for gettin' naked & gettin' fat and for becoming the wife of a rich old guy & becoming the widow of a rich old guy, Anna Nicole is now on her way to becoming a martyr for latter-day celebutards like Paris, Nicole and Lindsay. Surely St. Trimspa will be keeping tabloid TV like Extra busy theorizing about her death: her son dies when her daughter is born... then Anna dies when the DNA tests are about to reveal her daughter's true father.

Could these be suicides related to the baby's father's true identity? Could the father be Anna Nicole's own son? Could I be going to hell any sooner? Just remember where you first heard this theory, 'cause if I'm right I'll be one hellbound jackass with a hell of an intuition. If I'm wrong, I'll just be a hellbound jackass. You can't beat fate.

Comic Belief

The leaders of the African nation of Guinea-Bissau have learned that Whoopi Goldberg can trace most of her ancestry back to tribes indigenous to their country--and yes, they're thinking what you're thinking: "How can they cash in on this shit?" For truly, what poor African nation hasn't benefited from being the ancestral home of vaguely famous American comedians-cum-center squares?

This is Yasmin, of Bratz Babyz fame. She can trace her ancestry pretty far back--her family tree includes a mermaid who used to herself be a slutty baby mermaid, a slutty tuna and a slutty barrel of oil.

Exactly. Cottage fucking industry in the Africa. Drive down the main thoroughfare in any African city and you'll be sure to encounter dozens of waifs waving maps to stars' tribal homes. You can't throw a "We Are the World" CD without hitting one of millions of huts purporting to be Michael Jackson's forefathers' stomping grounds. Just kidding, they only do that for Black celebrities.

One of the best parts of the story is that the Guinea-Bissauans have only the vaguest idea of who Whoopi Goldberg actually is (and you thought there was no upside to living in the Third World) and so they addressed her as "Your Excellency Hoppy Goldberg" in their letter to her, asking her to visit and, you know, let her fat American ass leave a slime trail of money all over their country.

Yeah, so, after seeing this story, I linked Jason to it. And the gods of AIM comedy did smile upon the conversation:

Jenni: This story wants to be a TV movie, Oprah special, and, of course, Successories poster.
Jason: Yes. I loooove Hoppy Goldberg.
Jenni: Don't we all.
Jenni: At the end, one of the locals says she's pretty.
Jenni: Clearly, a nation impoverished even in beauty.
Jason: Yeah. It's hard to know true beauty when movies like Sister Act haven't filtered down to you yet.
Jenni: She's the first person who ever had one of those African scam letters crafted specifically for her. Pity she didn't get it.
Jason: I hope they adopt her. It's like reverse Angelina or Madonna.
Jenni: I'm confused by their reasoning, tho. Hoppy Goldberg's ancestors are from there...so now the whole nation will be famous?
Jenni: Do people want to see the ancestral Hoppy Goldberg home in some godforsaken place?
Jason: Hmmm. Confusing mixed messages. Maybe Chris is from Guinea-Bissau, too.
Jenni: Perhaps.
Jenni: Where's the detail in the story where the reporter notices the country is too poor for anyone in it to have eyebrows?
Jason: A whole country of people with black lips and no eyebrows.
Jenni: No wonder no one goes there.
Jason: That, and they didn't start showing Burglar and Jumping Jack Flash until recently.
Jason: Crap, we should totally be talking heads on those E! shows...
Jenni: I'll say.
Jason: Save this conversation and paste the transcript into the blog for an instant story.
Jenni: Yeah we should do that more.

We're actually having headshots taken so we can be talking heads. I mean, hell, if we're this funny off the cuff while working...

Marlon Brando Shoves Phone Down His Girlfriend's Throat

No bull, some guy named Marlon Brando (not the dead one) was convicted of shoving a cellphone down his girlfriend's throat. He didn't just attempt to put it in but he actually got the whole thing into her throat and she had to go to the hospital. The craziest thing was that he said that she did it to hide her call history with other guys. This guy thinks a jury never heard of the delete button or paper copies of the phone bill?

Happy Groundhog Day

Cartoon Network's Ratings Bomb

The good news: Boston didn't blow up. The bad news: America overreacts to a Cartoon Network guerilla marketing campaign. The other bad news: People from Boston still talk with the worst-ever accents known to humankind.

Yesterday, dozens of Lite Brites depicting the Cartoon Network's Mooninites (from Aqua Teen Hunger Force) were placed on buildings and bridges in various cities across the United States. In Boston, the electronic light boards depicting the cartoon characters -- who were characteristically flipping the middle finger -- were perceived to be bombs.

The evil Mooninites descend upon Boston! Shove that up your overproduced hard-rock-lovin' ass!

When cartoon characters flipping the bird on a Lite Brite can be perceived as a terrorist threat, it's obvious that authorities are convinced that terrorists are now going for style points. Soon, the terrorists will enter the realm of cartoon supervillainy to deliver explosives in oversized gift-wrapped boxes or other showy methods of presentation commonly used by the Joker, the Penguin or Jokey Smurf.

Why should Homeland Security tip off the terrorists whenever we decide it's safe to let our guard down?

Confuse the terrorists with the new Levity Meter, which has an inverse relationship to national security.
Lighten up, Boston!

After the faux dust from the hoax settled, the only victim claimed in the "bomb scare" was Irony, whose life was tragically lost when officials blamed Cartoon Network's corporate greed and capitalism as being un-American.

At least, the channel's Aqua Teen Hunger Force got some major press out of the ordeal. It's a great show, so be sure to watch it. And please don't misinterpret that last plug for the series as being a bomb threat.

Like you, just don't care.

Here it is a freaking year later--the one-year anniversary of the blog. Last year was a elephant cock full of creamy assholes for me (so--three guesses why I didn't do a year in review), and this year, well, I'm withholding judgment but we all know I'm a glass-half-empty-even-of creamy-assholes* kind of girl, so to say it doesn't look too good just yet might be underselling it.

Jason, in an attempt to get me to contribute to this piece of shit blog once again, suggested I try revisiting the very first post. Yeah, whatever, fuck.

For nostalgia's sake, I'll concentrate on what I believe to be everyone's current favorite things/obsessions. And yes, we're still shallow. Tho honestly, I think my current state of vacillating between depression and anger makes me a bit deeper than the rest of these dog-fucking fart captains.

Jenni: Man, shit, you know what I like? Watching TV and reading shit so I don't have to think about shit. I'm obsessed with getting to the point where I don't have to play these bullshit nicey-nice games all the time, just so I don't offend anyone or make anyone uneasy 'cause I don't put up with shit, or I say what needs saying. I'm pretty sure I have to be filthy motherfucking rich but not famous to make that a reality, so, yeah. I'll figure it out. And then you penis chewers better watch out, 'cause no matter how big a bitch you think I am now, believe me, I've been holding back. Way back.

Steve: He still likes almost the exact same shit, plus more fucking video games if you can believe it. Just read the first post. I'll wait. I bought the boys another Hilary Duff calendar. Now you're excited, I know. That's the fucking interesting news of the century, right there. Oh, Jason and Steve are still pervs who won't admit they like Hilary Duff now because she reminds them of the little girl they really liked? Wow. You don't say.

Jason: You know what he likes? Music. Goddamn that motherfucker likes music. It's like, shit, dude, what the fuck is up with all that music? Thank God, tho, 'cause he curates my iPod, Lord knows I'm too fucking lazy to do it. He also likes telling stories about celebrities and celebrity-related events, not sure if you noticed.

Christopher: Himself, himself, things related to himself, podcasting even though he's not good at it, himself, people related to himself, the cockhole city he lives in, himself.


We have a podcast, but fuck if I want to keep doing it. Have you heard it lately? Seriously, why even fucking bother?


*Yes, that's right, if I'm to have a glass full of creamy assholes, you best believe I want a full one. Know why the assholes are creamy? Think back to last night, whore. It will come to you.

Backstage at the Oscar Nominations Announcement

The Oscar nominations were announced by Salma Hayek and her funny bangs at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences in Beverly Hills this past Tuesday. I got to attend the event, but the only real dirt I can dish from being there was that I shared an elevator with Salma and that she was all weepy and emotional before the event in her "dressing room" (the restroom on the 7th floor of AMPAS). People speculate that she was teary-eyed because she was happy to find out pal Penelope Cruz had earned a nomination. It's either that or she just heard that Adam Sandler's Click had somehow scored an Oscar nod.

Find the eight things in this picture that won't be winning an Oscar this year.
Hint: Seven of them are pictured in the posters on the wall, while one of them thought a YouTube "Adorable Kittens" montage warranted consideration from the Academy.

Now that the nominations are out, here's a quick rundown of this year's picks:

Babel
I haven't seen it, but I think it's like an international version of Crash.

United 93
Too soon? No, Oliver Stone returning to moviemaking with World Trade Center right after making Alexander is too soon.

Supporting Actress

Jennifer Hudson has now become the first veteran of American Idol to be validated by Hollywood's top honor

Supporting Actor

Same goes for Mark Wahlberg, but replace "American Idol" with "The Funky Bunch"

Borat

Members of the press actually groaned when this nomination was announced. Snobs. When I see a movie that celebrates dildos as artificial limbs, Baywatch as masturbation material, naked man-on-man wrestling and poop in a baggie, it smells like Oscar to me. I suppose it also smells like poop in a baggie, but still.

Previously Nominated Actresses

Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep, Judi Dench, Kate Winslet and Cate Blanchett all got nominated. Again. I haven't bothered to see any of their movies. Again. Women who are British or could be mistaken for British always have a good chance at getting nominated.

Movie Titles
Little Miss Sunshine, No Time for Nuts, Happy Feet, Children of Men and The Queen. They could be nominated films, but they more likely sound like titles in a gay porno Netflix queue.

Apocalypto

Insert anti-semitic Mel Gibson joke here.

An Inconvenient Truth

Al Gore has a good shot at starring in a winner since this year's nominations don't include documentaries on 'tards, cancer kids or the Holocaust. Insert anti-semitic Mel Gibson joke here.


Special contest! Submit a comment and identify the movie posters pictured in the photo above. The first commenter to get all seven correct or whoever has identified the most movie posters in the next week will become Blogger of the Month! It's an honor almost as prestigious as the Oscar for Best Sound Editing!
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R.I.P Lily Munster

Actress Yvonne De Carlo, who's best known as the sexy mom on The Munsters passed away on Monday.

Yvonne De Carlo
1922 - January 8, 2007

De Carlo had a long career in B-movie westerns such as "Frontier Gal," "Black Bart", "River Lady," "Calamity Jane and Sam Bass" and "The Gal Who Took the West.". De Carlo was also filmed in various skimpy outfits in Hollywood middle eastern flicks like "Song of Scheherazade," "Slave Girl," "Casbah", "The Ten Commandments" and "Desert Hawk."


Spiteful photo by Jason, who, as everyone knows, is the mortician of this blog and that R.I.P. articles are his schtick. Enjoy, Chris!
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R.I.P. Scooby-Doo Creator

Animator Iwao Takamoto, who's worked with Disney and Hanna-Barbera on such cartoons as Peter Pan, The Jetsons, Cinderella, 101 Dalmatians and The Flintstones, passed away yesterday. Takamoto is probably best known for creating Scooby-Doo, an enduring series destined to keep his spirit alive. Of course, it'll probably turn out that it's not actually his spirit that's hanging around but really Old Man Grimley the banker in disguise. Damn those meddling kids.

Iwao Takamoto
1925 - January 8, 2007

Nintendildo

Welcome Nintendo fans! In case you haven't heard, the Opera Internet browser has been available on the Nintendo Wii (pronounced "Wheeee!" for the uninitiated), for a few weeks, and of course Hands in the Air is 100% compatable. That means that at this very moment, someone could be reading this post from the comfort of their couch, a Wii Remote firmly in hand. Maybe even you!

Nintendo Wii's have been notoriously hard to come by since launch in November, but we're hip here, so of course we have one at HITA HQ and hells yeah it's online. I was even able to wrestle a remote away from Jason long enough (the dude spends hours just making Miis, it's embarrassing), to get the Opera browser. And what was the first thing I looked for as I sat there on the couch, browsing the Internet on my TV? Porn, duh. Then I immediately went here to HandsintheAir.net, which is like porn for your mind.

Bondage! Babes! Hairy animals with antlers! It's Kiinky Wii Sex!

Apparently I'm not the only one with this set of priorities, either. It looks like some porn sites, seeing an opportunity (and certainly a sudden boost in traffic from users rocking the Opera browser), have begun adapting their sites to be Wii friendly. That's right, now "playing with your Wii" takes on an even filthier connotation. Now if we could only manage to get those dirty-minded Wii fanatics to make the same jump I did and come to Hands in the Air, we'd be bigger than Elvis or at least most D-list porn stars. Eat your heart out Lisa Sparxxx.

And the sexy stuff doesn't stop there. Apparently when you name your console after a childish euphemism for "penis" and shape your controller like a phallus, people tend to think naughty thoughts about it. Who knew? So some people have put together a video entitled "Wii Sex." No, it's not what you think. Okay, it IS what you think, it's just that you don't get to see any of it, which is a shame because the two people in the Internet video are ugly in the way where you would expect they would need to take their clothes off to be worth looking at.

If all of this naughty Wii stuff is getting you frisky, you can check out MapWii.com and actually find fellow Wii owners/perverts in your very own neighborhood. You guys could, like, trade naked Miis and make them screw or something. I don't know. Maybe have a Mii orgy in your Mii Parade channel. Anything that turns your new Nintendo console into a virtual Sodom and Gomorrah is heartily endorsed. After all, video games really are about playing with yourself.


Compromising photo by Jason. All models were at least 18 at the time and all of them can keep a secret.

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New York Smells Funny ...

So any visitor to New York recognizes the familiar "New York" fragrance of homeless guy urine puddles and yellow cab exhaust - not today my pets. Today we had a different sensation as the smell of gas permeated parts of Manhattan and New Jersey this morning.
Buildings were evacuated and I am sure that many people thought that it might be some type of attack.

According to the mayor, everything was all normal and I didn’t smell anything when I left work but it reminded me of the last unusual smell incident when the city smelled like maple syrup.

What’s next? I’m hoping for blueberry pie in 2008.

Student Is Saved from Subway Fall Only to Live to See Crappy Movies

My New Year's resolution is to save your life. In just the first week of 2007, the standout news headlines have all been about good Samaritans saving random New Yorkers, and I've been inspired.

Mind the gap. And don't forget about the oncoming train, either.

First, there was the Manhattan subway hero who saved a student who seizured his way onto the train tracks. Today, two more average Joes became heroes when they caught a baby who fell out a window of a Bronx apartment. Less jaded people might think that this rash of heroism proves that people are naturally good. I say it merely proves that people are naturally clumsy.

So back to my New Year's resolution of saving lives. It turns out that I save lives every day since I continually refrain from throttling random strangers for the stupid things they do -- like the producers of the upcoming film, Primeval, which opens next week.

The new horror movie touts that Primeval is about the world's "most prolific serial killer," comparing its villain "Gustave" to Jack the Ripper and the Zodiac Killer. The kicker is that the movie trailers and ads fail to reveal that Gustave is really a crocodile.

Now, I'm no profiler, but I don't think wild animals qualify as serial killers and I'm pretty sure that whirring noise you're hearing is Steve Irwin rolling in his grave.


By Primeval's broad definition of serial killer, the tagline "Inspired by the true story of the most prolific serial killer in history" should also apply to fatty films like Supersize Me and Fast Food Nation and cancer cinema like Thank You for Smoking and Dying Young.

Beware of serial killers who moonlight as polo shirt logos

Chalk it up to stupid marketing. While the thought of seeing Orlando Jones getting chomped by a croc is appealing, most people wouldn't want to see a movie about a future luggage set/pair of pimp shoes that's killed over 300 people. So now you've been warned about the Primeval. Consider your life saved.

The Year of Us

It's New Year's Eve and it's time to celebrate with our biggest post of 2006, because we're wrapping up the year that was officially ours. The current issue of Time magazine says it all -- we've been named Time People of the Year for 2006! If 2006 was "The Year of Us," then really there's nowhere to go but up for 2007. Happy New Year!

Congratulations to Hands in the Air on being named
Time's Person of the Year!

Do these pants make me look blurry?
Jason gets ready for his close-up for the cover of Time magazine

A year after that U2 guy earns the honor, The Edge and the rest of his band
(along with the Hands in the Air gang) finally get to share the title of
Time's Person of the Year. In your face, Bono!

2006 in Review, Part 2

There are mere moments left in 2006, at least here at Hands in the Air HQ, and I'm taking a break from getting drunk off my ass and singing the wrong words to Auld Lang Syne to post my year in review.

Best Comic Event:
Marvel's Civil War


It's the kind of thing nerds crave--who would win in a fight between Captain America and Iron Man? Now we're kind of getting a chance to answer that and many other hero vs. hero battles that were once the realm of "What if..." tales. This also proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Iron Man is a dick. I've been saying that for years, and it's nice to finally have some back-up.

Worst Comic Event:
Spider-Man: The Other

Spider-Man ate a vampire's head, died, came back to life after a spirit-quest and then confronted an enemy made out of a swarm of mystical spiders. As Stan Lee would say, 'Nuff Said.

Comic Movie that Raped my Childhood the Hardest:
Superman Returns

Brian Singer, in remaking the original Superman: The Movie, basically took the world's most iconic super hero and turned him into a deadbeat dad. Thanks. There's so much wrong with this movie that I don't know where to begin, but when I'm rooting for Lois and her love-child with Superman to drown in a watery grave, that's a bad sign. The sweet irony is that nerds all over, myself included, were panicked that Singer's departure from the X-Men franchise would spell certain doom, but Brett Ratner's X-Men: The Last Stand is in every way a better film (not great, but better), than Superman Returns.

Best Movie of the Year:

Trick category. No Star Wars films were released this year therefore cinema, as both art and entertainment, stagnated. Maybe there'll be something in 2007. I hear good things about Spider-Man 3.

Best Movie Ending No One Saw:
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

Sure, the theatrical version just kind of stops after a long, meandering 2-and-a-half hours, but I've heard that in the super-secret ultimate collector's edition, Gore Verbinski will include the real ending. I hear Disney plans to release the finale, which also clocks in at 2-and-a-half hours or more, in theaters next year. I think it's called Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. Since I paid for the first half of the movie already, will I have to pay for the rest? Time will tell.

Best New Magazine:
Girls & Corpses Magazine

Okay, it's probably not new this year, but c'mon. Do you like girls? I do. Do you like corpses? Who the hell doesn't? Put them together and it's like the peanut butter in your chocolate or the K-Y Jelly in your embalming fluid. HOT!

Best Prank of the Year:

Bring a copy of Girls & Corpses Magazine to work and leave it in the public bathroom. Make sure to paste on a fake label with your manager's address on it for extra punch. Stick some pages together with a few smears of glue for an added creep factor.


That's it for me and for 2006. I've got to get going because Jenni is pretending to be passed out at the Standard Hotel downtown in another desperate attempt to get groped by a stranger/star and Jason's too busy demonstrating his Jean-Claude Van Damme dance from Kickboxer for a bunch of drunk chicks to pick her up. See you next year!

2006 in Review, Part 1

There's less than a week left in 2006, so it's time to take a look back at the past 360-odd days. Here are some of my random picks for the highlights and lowlights of '06:

Disturbing Trend of the Year:
Authors without Shame

• Bestselling author James Frey admits to Oprah that he fabricated his memoir, A Million Little Pieces
  
  
• How Harvard student Kaavya Viswanathan plagiarized a novel, lost a movie deal and got caught
  
  
• Jason, Jenni, Steve and Chris begin writing this blog and launch a companion podcast

Even Father Time wastes half a checkbook making that stupid mistake.

Silliest New Words of the Year:

• "Firecrotch"
• "SexyBack"
• "Suri Cruise"
  

Best New Phrases of the Year:

• "Sugartits" - Mel Gibson
• "Ching-chong, ching-chong, Danny deVito, ching-chong, ching-chong, The View" - Rosie O'Donnell.
  
  As a real-life Ching-Chongese-American, I think Rosie's interpretation of the language is almost as good as my fat lesbian imitation: "Lilith Fair, Lilith Fair, porkchops, Indigo Girls, Indigo Girls, all-you-can-eat buffet."

Worst New Phrases of the Year:

• "Lock the Cashbox/Stop the Catbox"
  This is from that dumb phone ad where two guys are singing the wrong lyrics to The Clash's "Rock the Casbah." Somehow they managed to download the song by name, but they still couldn't make the connection that the title lyric was being sung in the chorus. That's just lazy joke writing, Madison Avenue.
  
  
• "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World"
  NBC's motto for Heroes didn't quite turn out to be the t-shirt/bumper sticker slogan it was hyped to be. No matter how many times the phrase was ominously whispered at the end of the show with eerie reverb effects, it still sounded superstupid rather than superheroic.

Annoying Trend of the Year:
Random people making awful Borat impressions
The real Borat is funny, but why do unfunny people insist on imitating him? Very niiice? No, not at all.

Baffling Movie Phenomenon of the Year:
High School Musical
I have no idea why a story about singing co-eds became one of the biggest TV movies and DVDs of the year

Movie Phenomenon of the Year That Wasn't:
Snakes on a Plane
The movie delivered everything it promised! What more do you want, America? Singing snakes in varsity jackets?

Best Song of the Year:
"Phantom Limb" - The Shins
The full album, Wincing the Night Away, doesn't come out until January 23, 2007, but the lead single is already my favorite song of this year

15 Favorite Albums of the Year:

1. The Life Pursuit - Belle & Sebastian
2. Hearts and Unicorns - Giant Drag
3. Everything All the Time - Band of Horses
4. The Crane Wife - The Decemberists
5. Mr. Beast - Mogwai
6. Cansei de Ser Sexy - CSS
7. Carnavas - Silversun Pickups
8. You in Reverse - Built to Spill
9. The Electricity in Your House Wants to Sing - i am robot and proud
10. Show Your Bones - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
11. Duper Sessions - Sondre Lerche and the Faces Down Quartet
12. I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass - Yo La Tengo
13. Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not - Arctic Monkeys
14. The Audience's Listening - Cut Chemist
15. The Eraser - Thom Yorke

Some Notable Deaths in 2006:
James Brown, Gerald Ford, Steve Irwin, Joseph Barbera, Coretta Scott King, Aaron Spelling, Don Knotts, Lou Rawls, Chris Penn, Robert Altman, Peter Boyle, Mickey Spillane, Desmond Dekker, Shelley Winters, Dennis Weaver, Peter Benchley, Darren McGavin, Jack Palance, Oleg Cassini, Buck Owens, Billy Preston, Wilson Pickett, Eddie the dog from TV's Frasier, Maureen Stapleton, H.R. Pufnstuf kid Jack Wild, Gerald Levert, Mike Douglas, Tamara Dobson (Cleopatra Jones), Syd Barrett, The Breakfast Club principal Paul Gleason, Ed Bradley, Chef on South Park, UPN, The WB

Britney Spears' To-Do List 2007:
Learn how to be a good mom
Learn how to pick a good husband
Learn how to wear panties in public

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Baby Jesus and Santa Want You to Stop Taking a Dump All Over Poor Kids

I'm one of Santa's operatives, and lately I've been in charge of the Spanking Division (we help, ah, rehab people from the "Naughty" list by spanking away their, um, naughtiness). Not only does that put me on the permanent "Nice" list and guarantee that I can get into all the hot North Pole nightspots, it also means I'm privy to some serious Santa's inner circle shit. Now, Santa is drinking buddies with Baby Jesus--yes, Jesus can take many forms, but he thinks using the "Baby Jesus" form is most hilarious when he goes drinking--and around this time of year, Baby Jesus gets pissed. Not pissed drunk, the dude can change the alcohol in his blood into normal old, um, whatever is in your blood when alcohol isn't, but pissed pissed. He doesn't mind that people celebrate his birthday on the totally wrong day. I mean, he did, but he's had time to get over that. He also doesn't mind getting older, obviously, since he can change into Baby form at will.

No, what Baby Jesus gets major Old Testament-style wrath of God pissed about is Toys for Tots. And Santa is right there with him. They're so similar, it's totally spooky. Almost every year they get each other the same exact thing for Christmas. Last year it was a carton of smokes and a white undershirt--long story--think Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club and Schneider from One Day at a Time and you're 95% of the way there.

Yeah, that's right, Toys for Tots. And if you've ever looked inside the Toys for Tots drop-off boxes, particularly the ones at workplaces but really any one will do--you should know exactly why this issue crawls up Baby Jesus and Santa's collective ass and stays there.

SC and BJ are all for charity, mind you. And they love the Marines for the work they do with the Toys for Tots program. They don't have a problem with the whole concept of Toys for Tots. They have a problem with how it all ends up working out--that most of the toys that land in the Toys for Tots drop-off boxes suck a big candy cane-flavored dick.

Don't act all innocent, you know what I'm talking about. You can't be surprised that Baby Jesus and Santa Claus are super pissed at pretty much all of you "generous" souls who donate to Toys for Tots only to stick the toy equivalent of 5-year old cans of creamed corn and that Clamato you accidentally bought that one time you were drunk at the grocery store into the donation bins. (Oh, and they're not too happy about that food drive bullshit y'all pull, either, but this toy shit really gets them going.)

Since I work for Santa, it's up to me to do his dirty work and break it down here. When it comes to charities like Toys for Tots, it's not actually the fucking thought that counts. You have to loosen up your wallet (and maybe your cobwebbed-over, creaky-ass heart) put down a few dollars more on the toys. And while you're at it, get the hell out of the dollar store and the cheap toy bullshit aisle in Wal-Mart and buy some goddamn good toys to give to the poor kids. Your current donations are not cutting it, and at this rate, it's better you don't donate anything.

Do you know which toys, if any, your average poor kid can afford, and has easy access to? Um, fucking dollar store and the cheap aisle at Wal-Mart toys. What the hell kind of favor do you think you're doing the Marines and the poor kids (wait--Toys for Tots is for poor kids, right?), dropping off those ugly, misshapen, no-name, no-fun toys? Is that what you give the children in your life? Kind of doubt it. Would you be pissed if your whorish stepsister or Mother-in-law tried to give your kids toys like that and called it a Christmas gift? Yeah, motherfucker, you would be extremely pissed and you know it. You'd never forgive those bitches.

So. Santa and Baby Jesus say: buy decent toys to put in the Toys for Tots bin, or don't fucking bother, you cheap-ass bastards.

It's now Christmas, so surely those poor, poor kids have been handed their dollar-store treasures. Did they cry, I wonder? Stare blankly at the "gift," wondering if they should say something or just let it go? Did the shitty toys hit the trash immediately, or do the kids destroy the toys in an elaborate, vengeful ceremony, just to get some small bit of enjoyment out of 'em? That's what I would do. That's what Santa would do. That's what Baby Jesus did with that frankincense and myrrh bullshit.



Goddammit I thought I was done here but you know, I really don't understand this shit. Why do people bother donating horrible bullshit to charity? Like, this one time, in college, the office I worked in adopted a family and bought them gifts, and I got so pissed because first of all they refused to buy the kids in the family video games, reasoning that the kids didn't need video games as much as they needed clothes (um, missing the fucking point a little, don't you think?) and clucking over the audacity of the kids asking for such unnecessary items when, you know, they're poor and clearly don't deserve the same fun other kids get to have if, apparently, they have the wardrobe for it. And then, to add a further layer of insult, as we were buying the family groceries and stuff they sent me to get the toilet paper, so I pulled down the Charmin I prefer for my own ass, and they took it back and bought the cheapest one-ply paper they make, again reasoning that this family didn't need the luxury toilet paper people like me use. Like they really said that, oh, they don't need that kind of toilet paper, this is good enough, just like the kids in the family didn't need the video games, like they were giving me a life lesson or something and they were, but not the one they thought they were. I guess you can argue the toilet paper point, as fucked up as that is, since lots of people use less luxurious paper than I do, but again, missing the fucking point of Christmas gifts and wish lists if you're only giving the giftees what they need and things that are good enough and not what they want and wish for and things that will make them feel for a moment the happiness and comfort we lucky types get to feel every single motherfucking day. Goddammit, that's some fucked up shit, and every time I (and uh, Baby Jesus and Santa Claus) see a Toys for Tots bin with bad toys and bad toys only in it, we get reminded of how much people suck, and we shed a tear. On the inside. We don't want the people we work with to think we're baby pussyfaces, crying at shit all the time.

R.I.P. Tower Records

Tower Records stores have officially closed their doors forever. Worldwide, there have been three mammoth chains of deep-catalog CD stores (Tower Records, HMV and the Virgin Megastore; "CD stores" that also have washing machine departments don't count), and Tower was always the dumpiest of the bunch. But that's probably what gave the store its rock-'n'-roll cred. And while HMV, Virgin and local chains like California's Amoeba Records or Seattle's Easy Street Records will fill the void for music fans, Tower Records and its awful ketchup-and-mustard logo will be sorely missed.

Tower Records
1960 - 2006Merry Christmas! I just bought your gift for $2,
but I'm keeping the $18.99 price tags on them so you think I care 90% more!

Since October, Tower has been clearing out its stock. First, the stores marked inventory down by 10%, then 20%, then 30%. In the past few days, all CD prices took a nosedive to 80% off until the final days when all CDs were $2 or less.

It's staggering how picked-over the store was in its final days on life support. Pretty much every CD or DVD you've remotely heard of was gone from the shelves. Sadly, I don't think I've ever bought as many CDs than I did during Tower's final months of close-out prices. I can't resist a bargain. Never before have I been so excited to buy CDs by bands I'm only mildly excited about.

This past Thursday, I visited the store on Sunset Boulevard (pictured above) in West Hollywood for cheapie Christmas gifts, and there was really nothing left over that was worth buying. Seriously, who knew Tower carried so many whale song CDs or Spanish-language DVDs? If you know any Mexican sailors, I've got a gift bag I can sell you.


Special contest! If you're the first commenter to identify all 5 CDs Jason is holding in the photo, you'll get mentioned in our sidebar. That's the best prize I can give you after buying too many unspectacular CDs for spectacular prices.

R.I.P. Joe Barbera

Joe Barbera

March 24, 1911 - December 18, 2006Shaggy, Tom & Jerry, Dynomutt and the Wacky Races' Slag Brothers

Adventures in Christmas Shopping

There are only nine shopping days until Christmas, so of course, today marks the first day I decided to hit the malls to start buying gifts. Here are a few highlights from today's mall crawl...

• No known mortals have ever purchased something for themselves at Brookstone.
• Brookstone solely exists for people who don't know what the hell to buy someone. If you receive a gift from Brookstone (foot massager, nature sounds alarm clock, talking picture frame, etc.), then the giftgiver doesn't really know anything about you. Hell, everyone could use a manicure kit, right?
  
  
• Pam the receptionist and Kevin the accountant from TV's "The Office" were shopping together.
• I was at the Apple Store at Fashion Square mall in Sherman Oaks, California and so were The Office stars Jenna Fischer and Brian Baumgartner. I wonder what Jim would think... Awkward. They were in line in front of me and there was a big sign with a picture of The Office cast on a giant iTunes gift card... Double awkward.
  
  
• I found $18 in the Target parking lot, and it wasn't even lying in a Salvation Army bucket
• Like a Christmas miracle, there was a ten-spot, a fiver and three ones all folded up in the middle of the parking lot. I guess I could use it to buy some toy for a tot who's underprivileged, but philanthropy is going to be my new year's resolution for 2007. Merry Christmas to me!
  
  

R.I.P. George Clooney's Pig

Since 1988, George Clooney has had a pet pig named Max, but his swine died this past week to go where the other white meat spends eternity. By that, I mean "hog heaven" and not languishing under the heat lamps at the end of the Hometown Buffet line. Max was 19 and George owned him for 18 of those years, meaning the pig had seen the actor go from smug bit player on The Facts of Life to smug Emmy-nominated ER heartthrob to smug-and-nippled Batman star to smug Oscar-nominated director. To paraphrase Charlotte's Web, that's some pig.

Max, George Clooney's Pig
1987 - 2006

In happier times, mentioning "George Clooney," "pork" and "19-year-old" in the same sentence would have the Good Night, and Good Luck star high-fivin' Matt Damon

R.I.P. X-Men Comic Artist Guy

It's past a week overdue, but here's a memorial to Dave Cockrum, the comic book artist who's probably best known for his work on the X-Men comics. Cockrum apparently died in his Superman pajamas, which seems pretty appropriate... Sorta like if Britney Spears were to die without panties.

Dave Cockrum
Comic Book Artist
November 12, 1943 - November 26, 2006

An Iron Fist comic book cover by Dave Cockrum featuring Storm, Nightcrawler and Colossus, who were among some of the X-Men he co-created

Sweet Christmas!

The holiday season is upon us and thank God that it is. I love this time of year because I love Christmas, and I love Christmas because it's a holiday during which families are usually compelled to pretend like they like each other and gifts are exchanged. But it seems even these two basic tenents of Jesus' birthday are no longer sacred as a mother in Rock Hill, South Carolina just had the local police arrest her 12-year-old son for opening a Christmas present early.


The child apparently knew that his great-grandmother had bought him a Game Boy Advance and decided to just take the gift from beneath the tree and start playing with it. The boy's 27-year-old mother threatened to call the cops if the handheld system wasn't returned. The kid handed over the GBA, but mom called the Five-O on him anyway. The responding officers busted the kid for petty larceny and he was released back to his mother pending trial, where she's said she plans to hand him over to a State institution. Yeah, because if anything can straighten your kid out it's certainly not loving, attentive parenting but cold, cruel justice inside a State-run juvenile detention facility.

There are so many things wrong with this that I don't even know where to begin. First, great-grandma, get with the times. The GBA is on life support. Save some recycling money and get the kid a Nintendo DS so he's not the laughing stock of his friends. Maybe then he wouldn't punch police officers and otherwise act up. Second, mom's a shitty parent. Yeah, it sucks she got preggers at 15, but all that means is she was a shitty parent from a young age. If you need to call the authorities to wrangle your 12-year-old, you suck at this and maybe handing the kid over to the State isn't such a bad idea, but don't pretend like it's Junior's fault. It's all you, lady. And it is extra-bullshitery that when the kid handed the present over, you still called the cops. Christmas is supposed to be the time of the year when families come together, not when you decide to finally have that abortion 12 years too late.

Third, how the hell does the kid know what he's getting for Christmas? I'm just going to assume it's more bullshit parenting skills, because no one's showing me any reason to believe otherwise. When I was a kid, Christmas presents and their locations were guarded with the strictest secrecy. I'd have had an easier time getting the launch codes from the President than I would finding my gifts. But then, when I was a kid I had rules and boundaries that I was cool with because I love my mom and she loves me and I didn't want to disappoint her. Love and guilt are some strong motivators.

And isn't that what Christmas is really all about?


Photo by Jason

Podcast Episode #008: Downtown Babyhole

The world needs a Christmas miracle. Britney and K-Fed are splitsville. Pammy Anderson and Kid Rock are kaput. Hilary Duff and that one dude who I think works at Hot Topic have broken up. But just when you think there's no more love in the world, Hands in the Air delivers you a long overdue podcast! And at 58-plus minutes, it's our longest podcast ever! Thank you, baby Jesus!*

Highlights of Episode #008: Downtown Babyhole:

• Chris reveals personal news that's a little too personal

• Jenni's sisters Deitri and Megan, mother Marti and nephew Quinn sit in to chat from Cleveland

• Jenni then promptly sullies her family name by coining the podcast title that's so vulgar that even Michael Richards wouldn't say it at The Laugh Factory

• Steve somehow manages to relate everything to prison politics; five people are shanked during the recording

• Jason performs two new songs: One song samples Chris ad nauseum and the other butchers a Christmas classic

LISTEN & VOTE FOR OUR PODCAST!
Search for our latest podcast at the iTunes Music Store or find it in our sidebar. And be sure to cast a vote for our podcast at Podcast Alley!


* Celebrity endorsement not implied.

King Me!

It’s good to be The King. Not just any king mind you, I am referring to the one and only monarch who still has relevancy in these modern, democratic times. I’m talking, of course, about the Burger King and, while you surely know him for his delicious flame-broiled burgers and the answer to my prayers, Chicken Fries, you should also know that he has taken the first bold steps into a new frontier. Right now, with any combo meal purchase at Burger King, you can secure for the low, low price of an additional $3.99, one of three hot, new XBOX and XBOX 360 games featuring The King himself in all of his plastic-faced, creepy glory.

Have it your way. Fast food and video games:
Burger King gives you two ways to get a fat ass!

Two of the three games seem pretty dull. Big Bumpin’ seems to be nothing more than a bumper car simulator which basically fits the definition of a game nobody asked for. There’s just no way to virtually simulate the thrill of slamming maniacally into a retarded kid over and over again and the look of helplessness mingled with terror and rage on his red, puffy, Down Syndrome face as he cries and runs screaming from the midway. Yeah, like I’m the only one who does that. The other game is Pocketbike Racer which, despite having a name rife with masturbatory overtones, is little more than a racing game featuring The King on a miniature motorbike.

The real Special Sauce on this sandwich is the game Sneak King. In this stealthy adventure, The King must use his wits and guile to quietly stalk hungry citizens and then pop out and surprise them with his juicy Whopper. Imagine getting into your car on your way to some appointment or Ye Olde Porn Shoppe (still not just me), with a growling stomach, only to find that permanently frozen, regal face staring coldly at you from the rear view mirror, a piping hot burger in hand. Sure, at first you’d be freaked out, but then you’d realize what was going on and be delighted for the snack. If only The King were permitted to perform this service to society for reals. Stupid breaking and entering laws.

Hopefully this whole thing is a tremendous success and Burger King has the opportunity to expand to other platforms. For example, the Nintendo Wii and its new control scheme would open up a whole new realm of possibilities. They could make Royal Burger Chef for instance, in which the player must use the Wii Remote’s motion sensing technology to flip burgers, mop the restaurant and perform other typical fast food employee chores under the watchful, judgmental gaze of The King. That fits right in line with Nintendo’s recent string of “Touch Generation” games like Brain Age which endeavors to make math fun. And Royal Burger Chef would be vocational training that’s desperately needed by today’s youth. Let’s face it, not all of them are going to grow up to be superstar internet sensations like us here at Hands in the Air.

Photo flame-broiled by Jason

Happy Thanksgiving

After this guy serves us dinner,
let's steal his land and rename his precious maize "corn."

Jason Goes to American Music Awards, Redefines "Fergalicious"

The American Music Awards ceremony was held this past Tuesday, and I was somehow able to attend the show and after-party. Through my fancy-pants job, I got to hang out in the green room for the entire show, so I rubbed elbows with almost all of the American Music Award presenters and performers before they hit the stage. Here's the scoop on the backstage dirt...

• Ashlee Simpson, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie did a lot of talking together, as did Christian Slater and William Shatner. Not a lot of crossover between those two worlds, though, I guess.
  

• Miley Cyrus was all "long-time-no-see" with Mario Lopez. I think they both attended Bayside High or something.
  

• Even though he was introducing them, Tony Hawk said he'd never heard The Pussycat Dolls' music. Some of us should be so lucky.
  

• Tender Paris Hilton moment: When Paris entered the green room and was greeted with "Hey, Silly!" by Nicole Richie. They really are friends!

• Creepy Paris Hilton moment: Paris inviting all the celebrity backstagers to "another house party" of hers, resulting in her actually extending the invitation to Taylor Hicks.

• Bizarre Paris Hilton moment: Paris phoning someone to pick her up and having to repeat "This is Paris" five times.

• Fallout Boy was asked to perform their hit song but didn't want to do old material so they threw together a new song for the show. It was only two weeks old and sounded like it.
  

• The blond kid from the cast of High School Musical was the only celebrity who threw away his plastic plates and water bottles rather than waiting for the caterers to do it. He actually bussed the table for the rest of his castmates, too. It's good to know some actors are bracing themselves for waitstaff careers.

For the official after-party at the Shrine, it seemed like almost all of the celebrities ditched it for bigger and better shindigs. Word on the street was that Jay-Z was having his own party. Maybe for his re-un-retirement.

The Shrine ballroom apparently wasn't decorated as opulently as it had been for past events like the Emmys. It resembled a school gym having some sort of "Jazz Night." I spotted only a handful of stars at the party:

• Aly & AJ, who were making a pretty early exit

• "Weird Al" Yankovic, who was busy in the buffet line

• The cast of High School Musical, who I'm pretty sure are all too young to attend any of the better parties anyways

• Joe Francis, or as one woman boldly declared within earshot of the two ladies he had in tow, "There's that jerk from Girls Gone Wild."

I actually saw a middle-aged woman excitedly getting her photo taken with Joe Francis. That just seemed wrong to me. Damn. Now that I think of it, I totally should've lifted up my shirt for them. Maybe next year.

Read All about Us

People love to seek validation. You could be validated by being honored by your peers. Or maybe you're welcomed into an elite inner circle. Or maybe you just get a salad dressing named after you (like Paul Newman, Julius Caesar or Randy van Honey Mustard). Me? I'd prefer to be validated by having my name turned into a verb.

For bloggers, validation comes when another site writes about your blog. That's just happened to us, and surprisingly, that other site isn't even called "The FBI Watch List." Minimate Headquarters is a great toy site dedicated to the li'l figures who appear in most of our photos, and MMHQ has posted an interview with us. Check out their article on us and visit their site often. That's what I've been doing. At least when I'm not "Jasoning" my brains out.

Someone put us on their site! Take that, Blog of Note!

Read all about us at Minimate Headquarters!

You Can Quote Us

It's been a while since we podcasted. In addition to having a few pretty dumpy sessions that just didn't go anywhere or didn't go anywhere much good, we're now having technical difficulties.

To fill the gap I know has opened wide in all of your lives, I'm collecting and recording for posterity some of the quotable quotes we've uttered recently. Just pretend you hear us saying them, and it's like we're podcasting! Sort of! Not really! But still!

After eating a cookie boat dessert:
"I ate the whole poop deck".
"I've been trying to get you to eat my poop deck for years."
"Well, maybe you should swab it once in a while."


Context-less quotes:

"The burlesque nut is dry."

"When she comes it's like someone's clubbing a baby seal."

"Blew out your man-dle."

"Spread my butt cheeks like a bear opening a honeycomb to get at the sweet nectar within."


I guess we're pretty dirty. Or the only things I remember are the dirty ones.

I'll add more when I remember them or when they spring fresh from our delightfully witty lips.

For a fun game, try to guess who said what.

Sketchy Comedy

We did this whole thing where we reviewed a lot of the new fall season but then I don't know, the magic was gone and I didn't post it. Maybe I still will. Anyhoo, one of the things we talked about was Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. I think it sucks. Like, a lot. I'm proud of America for not watching it. We watch it, tho, 'cause Steve likes Aaron Sorkin. Me, I'm probably gonna kick Mr. Sorkin in the balls if I ever see him. I was thinking about how not funny the sketches are, and came up with this list of things that are funnier.

Cancer

When people's dogs attack them and f' up their faces

Projectile vomiting

Gallaghers 1 and 2

Getting hit on the balls

Butt cancer

The continued use of "If I tell you, I'll have to kill you" by, you know, anyone

The "serious" and "smart" parts of Studio 60

Puppy butt cancer

When Billy age 8 takes a circuitous route in the Sunday Family Circus

Limbless babies

The ointment you have to rub on your puppy's butt cancer

When people make the hand gesture like they're strokin' the ol' man meat to express their displeasure with something

9/11 Jokes

The death of a beloved family pet from butt cancer