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Monday, February 06, 2006

Celebrating Black History - Mr. T

On the 21st of May, 1952 in the city of Chicago, a miracle happened. I'm not talking about a tiny miracle like snow on Christmas Eve or finding the clitoris, I'm talking about a real, actual miracle. And that miracle, is called Mr. T.

Mr. T stands for everything that is good about the human race. A spiritual and inspirational person, T has faced down all comers. He's defeated drugs, cleaned up the streets, taught kids to stay in school and stay clean, defeated cancer, and drove probably the most kick-ass van in the history of the universe.

Who can forget his many achievements? Many will remember Mr. T's wrestling career in the WWF, where he delivered knuckle sandwiches with the aplomb of a guy who works in a deli, and punches people, in the FACE. Or maybe you remember him from the modern television classic, The A-Team. As "B.A. Baracus" he utterly destroyed fools with his crack military skills and driving. And by "destroying fools," I mean shooting at them a lot, but not actually hitting them and rather making some conveniently placed barrels explode and sending said fools flying over camera.

But then who could forget Mr. T's turn as "Clubber Lang" in Rocky III? Sure, Carl Weathers' "Apollo Creed" was a great and inspiring African-American role, but by the third film he had gone from Italian-beating badass to Softy McSoftypants. Mr. T infused some righteous Black rage into the series once again and was perfectly willing and able to pound Sly Stallone's face into hamburger. He would have won the whole thing, except that he is a consumate professional actor and there was a script to be followed.

Perhaps my favorite T role is that of hard-livin' taxi driver "Samson" in quite simply the best goddamn Joel Schumacher movie ever made, D.C. Cab. While some (Jason), might argue that Schumacher's exploration of the dichotomy of homosexuality apparent in the vampire myth and its relation to Corey Haim's awful wardrobe and gratuitous Rob Lowe posters in The Lost Boys takes the title, it's clear to the cultured film enthusiast that D.C. Cab is, in technical terms, the cat's pajamas. If you, for some unknowable reason, have not seen D.C. Cab, shoot yourself in the face for your lack of good taste, then resurrect yourself and let your undead corpse bask in its beauty.

And that brings us to today, where Mr. T has seen a bit of a resurgence. If you have not deemed yourself worthy of reading his most excellent comic book, give yourself a treat by picking it up (you can just flog yourself for your insolence later). But alas, Mr. T has been skipped over for some pretty key roles. For example, you may have heard of some scuttlebut about Chuck Norris making its way around the Internet. If you have, then you have assuredly asked yourself the question, "Why the Hell not T?" Why the Hell not, indeed!

But though T may not get the retro-nerd love, we here at Hands in the Air celebrate this remarkable man and all he has done for all peoples of every race in every country around the world. I pity the fool who doesn't love them some Mr. T.


Jason said...

I pity the fool who doesn't prefer "The Lost Boys" over "D.C. Cab." Which movie stars Kiefer Sutherland? "The Lost Boys" does, so by the 3rd Law of Kiefer, the movie automatically has a certain "gravitas."

Steve said...

I'm surprised you could pull yourself away from making out with that Rob Lowe poster in your room long enough to make a comment. D.C. Cab has the only two things you need to make one of the best movies of all time--Mr. T and Gary Busey.

kimnrowdy said...

I think that Stevie should be postin' on the blog more. But don't tell Jenni, she'll get super jealous of me.