Misfortune Cookies

"Your bright personality will attract the best of friends." That's the message I got from a fortune cookie I had for lunch today. It sounds like it's making some sort of sage statement, but unless my personality is going clubbing when I'm not looking, I really don't think it's been making any new pals (or at least that's what the devil voice in my head keeps telling me).

Maybe if the cookies' Lotto numbers hit the jackpot on occasion, the fortunes wouldn't be so lame. So, I guess that's why the recent story of X-rated fortune cookies that were misdelivered to a Brooklyn charity is such a great news item. The event organizers had some custom fortunes made to tout their city, but 350 of the 1,750 cookies were delivered with dirty messages on them. And I'm not talking about 350 dirty messages where you and your friends tack on "...in bed" after reading the fortune.

I looked up some places that sell naughty edibles (Boobie Cookies, Penis Sexy Snack Cookies) and one of the X-rated fortune cookie messages they quoted in their catalog read, "Big cats are dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone." ...In bed! Ha! Double dirty! Me-yow!

Now, here are some examples of the pro-Brooklyn messages that the charity organizers intended for their cookies: "Brooklyn -- it's like an everything bagel" and "Brooklyn -- The 10th Planet." ...In bed! Ha ha! Bagels in bed! A planet in bed! I'm not even mildly turned on! ...In bed! Wait, none of this is working at all.

Those are the worst ancient Chinese secrets I've ever heard in my life.

photos by Jason ...in bed!

The point is that dirty fortunes are more fun to read than boring ones. The charity dinner would've been a forgettable non-event if it weren't for the Cinemaxed messages, and if my after-lunch cookie was raunchier, I might've been a mildly-amused Lotto non-winner. Plus, you can't spell Confucianism without "F-U." ...In bed! No, wait. That still doesn't work.