Lactose Intolerance

It's Super Bowl Sunday and, when that pesky football game isn’t getting in the way, you want to see the commercials that the advertisers spend the big bucks on. They’re outrageous. They’re funny. They introduce awful catchphrases to America. But this year, one special ad didn’t make the cut. It got benched when ABC deemed it inappropriate for its standards.

The ad in question is a PETA spot called "Milk Gone Wild." It’s an anti-milk campaign that parodies the "Girls Gone Wild" videos, except the girls in this ad lift up their shirts to reveal double-D cow udders. Got milk? The hoochies in this ad do! They’re milking their own boob-udders while squirting milk mustaches onto the faces of thirsty frat guys! The milk fountains actually get so extreme that the horny dudes are essentially sporting ZZ Top milk beards. Flash, flash. Squirt, squirt. These crazy chicks just can’t stop milking themselves, baby.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

PETA is sooo right that milk is disgusting. Cows in the wild don’t even milk themselves! But other than the fact that milk makes me fart, I think the only dairy-related disservice this milk ad achieves is that it's single-handedly ruining Mardi Gras for all the boob lovers of the world. Thanks a lot, PETA.